So I had my first counseling appointment yesterday in a while, and man, it was nice to be reassured that I am doing really well in the different aspects in my life and that I am indeed not crazy.
I have been on a roller coaster ride of extremes the past few weeks. Either of extreme happiness or extreme anger and sadness. I have been blamed and made to feel guilty for things that I have absolutely no control over and I have been made to feel that I am completely irreplaceable. There has been no content, just one or the other. It's exhausting. I am exhausted emotionally.
There are less than 3 weeks left until graduation and its so bittersweet. I remember this feeling in high school. I was so happy to start something new, yet at the same time not ready to leave my comfort zone of CHS. Now this is a bigger departure from my comfort zone, not only am I leaving a university I have spent the past 2 1/2 years at, but I am going to be done with my education (until I decide if I am going to get my masters). I enter the "real world" of paying bills, buying groceries and every other duty that comes along with this initiation.
There are a lot of emotions with this move to California too. I have been in the same bedroom, with the same four walls for 15 years. Its another comfort zone. In college, my room has most definitely been my zone. Everything I need is there and its where I spend most of my time at home. I have pictures every where and memories of my childhood all around me. In just a month I will have to pack all of that up and move it. I know nothing besides Centerville and my parents house. I know I need to go, start a life for myself, and for once, really focus on myself, but its still so scary yet so exciting.
Every day is a constant battle in my head. "Katie, get up, go shower and get things done today". "Okay, Katie, you need to get up to get ready for work" "Katie you have got to get this homework done". What goes on in my mind people can't obviously see. But just because I am back on meds, doesn't mean I am cured. Depression is something SO much more than that. After a couple years of counseling and work, I have created this sort of discipline in my head to get up out of bed and do things.
So here I sit, in between one of the few classes I have left of my college career. I better study for a test I have in a couple of hours. Can't wait for some sunshine.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
USA.
I am overwhelmed with emotion right now!!! History has been made... Osama Bin Ladin has been put to justice and that justice is death. Thousands of people have died because of this man and I hope that his death brings some type of relief for those who survive. I had chills all last night while watching the news. I have not seen such American pride since September 11, 2001. I hope this event lifts the spirits of Americans who have seemed to think that this war is going no where and has been a waste. We have taken down Suddam Hussein and Osama Bin Ladin. You don't mess with the United States of America. I could not be more proud to be an American right now. I don't care if you believe in the death penalty or not, be proud to be an American right now.
While we take in this overwhelming excitement of history being made, we have to remember that the war on terror is not over yet. It is likely that Al Qaeda will retaliate. So prayers to our troops who are defending us in the Middle East and all over the world.
While we take in this overwhelming excitement of history being made, we have to remember that the war on terror is not over yet. It is likely that Al Qaeda will retaliate. So prayers to our troops who are defending us in the Middle East and all over the world.
Friday, January 7, 2011
A week In.
Well, here we are, a week into January. A crazy week it was. School started back up and after a six week break it was SO tough getting back into school mode. Homework, studying, going to class, its an adjustment! I really have to stay focused these next two quarters. They are my last and I have to put everything I have into them because there is no more time to fix any mistakes. I am super exhausted from this week so tonight is my night off. I have some work for my internship to do tomorrow as well as work at Carrabba's all weekend.
Brian's homecoming is quickly approaching. We have our cabin booked for our weekend away and I can't wait for him to be home. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster for us as a couple and for us as individuals. There have been bumps in the road that we needed to be there for one another and we have had to learn how to do that on the other side of the world. There have been nights I have just curled up in a ball and squeezed myself wishing his arms were around me. I play the image of him walking towards me at the airport over and over and still have no idea how I am going to react or feel. I am not but a few weeks away and cannot believe it is so close. I have been waiting for 6 months to be at this point and just cannot wait to have him back in town. Get to go to dinner, cuddle and watch movies or just be able to call him.
I talked to my counselor about upping my dose of meds. I am currently on 10 mg but I think I am going to go up to 20 during the winter months and probably just through the next 6 months until graduation. There is just a lot going on and a lot that is going to be going on. My counselor said it wouldn't be a bad idea so I am going to call the doctor this coming week about it.
2011 is going to be great. I will not settle for anything less.
Brian's homecoming is quickly approaching. We have our cabin booked for our weekend away and I can't wait for him to be home. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster for us as a couple and for us as individuals. There have been bumps in the road that we needed to be there for one another and we have had to learn how to do that on the other side of the world. There have been nights I have just curled up in a ball and squeezed myself wishing his arms were around me. I play the image of him walking towards me at the airport over and over and still have no idea how I am going to react or feel. I am not but a few weeks away and cannot believe it is so close. I have been waiting for 6 months to be at this point and just cannot wait to have him back in town. Get to go to dinner, cuddle and watch movies or just be able to call him.
I talked to my counselor about upping my dose of meds. I am currently on 10 mg but I think I am going to go up to 20 during the winter months and probably just through the next 6 months until graduation. There is just a lot going on and a lot that is going to be going on. My counselor said it wouldn't be a bad idea so I am going to call the doctor this coming week about it.
2011 is going to be great. I will not settle for anything less.
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Tribute.
As I sit here in my bed and stare at the computer screen the thought "where do I even begin?" runs through my mind as I attempt to reflect back on the year 2010. So I guess I'll start with where I was a year ago...
A year ago today I was in a deteriorating relationship that I was holding on for no reason except for it was all I knew. I knew it was time for it to end and for me to move on to something new but I was too attached...for many reasons. We were technically broken up for the holidays but on New Years Eve 2009, we decided we'd try to work this out. Not but a month later we were over. He was too focused on his own personal goals while I was willing to give 100% and more to fixing the relationship. When one person gives and another cannot or is not willing to, the relationship is not a happy one. So at the end of January, a 2 year relationship with a guy I was set on marrying ended.
Now yes. I knew it was the BEST thing. I knew it was the RIGHT thing...but the tears still fell. ohhhh did they fall. But I had the BEST friends in the world to dry them off and pick me up. My friend Ryan was unbelievable at the time. No matter what the hour, morning, day or night, he'd answer my call and listen to my as I would sob. A break up is a form of loss. It is okay to grieve but there comes a time when you have to pick yourself back up and live your life for YOU. Through the wonderful help, hugs and positive energy of my wonderful friends (you all know exactly who you are), I picked myself up rather quickly and moved on with my life. I have never been happier.
As my personal love life felt as if it had been flipped turned upside down the real world didn't stop. I still had classes to attend and tables to serve. That winter quarter I pulled off straight A's. The best quarter of college I have had to date. I was seeing I had removed a lot of negative energy from my life. I told myself "2010 is about ME. I am going to focus on finishing school strong, making money and having fun with friends and family. i am not going to throw myself into another relationship. It is time for me." ..Well, we all know that was slightly unsuccessful. haha. I even went and got a tattoo that I had been wanting!
My 21st birthday quickly approached and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday celebration. All of my friends made it out that night and well, to put it bluntly, I was carried out of the bar. Success.
As I was strengthening all my friendships and making new ones, a new man entered my life a big unexpectedly. Needless to say, it was the best thing to ever happen. Brian is amazing. He somehow says all the right things, knows how to get me to smile and really loves me for me. I visited him out in California after we hit it off at my birthday and well the connection was really undeniable. So we figured we would give it a shot. Our relationship is a long distance relationship. But we are making it work wonderfully thanks to Skype and Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg and the inventor of Skype!
My nephew turned THREE this year. I have no idea where three years went but that little baby is not a little baby anymore! He is becoming a little man and is just the cutest ever. He knows so much and it amazes me to see the things he does and hear the things he says. He is going to be a big brother in June :)
2010 was a tough year. My sister had a miscarriage, Brian lost a friend overseas, and now I see my younger sister going through the same heartbreak I did a year ago. I hope 2011 brings her the same joy that I have found. I tried coming off my antidepressant this year just to find out I really do need them. Which is okay. I am at peace with that. I still see a counselor fairly regularly and she is really helping me through a lot. I have a lot of personal insecurities I am dealing with. So thank you 2010 for making me a stronger person, for helping me realize my true friends and for bringing an amazing man into my life. But to be honest 2010, I can't wait for you to be over!
Now, I know I couldn't include EVERYTHING that happened this year in this post, so leave a memory we had together during 2010 either as a comment on facebook or as a comment on here :)
BRIAN AND I BEFORE HE LEFT TO GO BACK TO SAN DIEGO BEFORE GOING ON DEPLOYMENT
LEGALLY BUYING ALCOHOL :)
THE LITTLE BOY WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW SPECIAL HE IS <3
WE USED TO SHARE FRUIT SNACKS, NOW WE SHARE COCKTAILS
THE BEST FRIENDS A GIRL COULD AS FOR
FAM[ILY]
NOTHING COMES BETWEEN US.
MY COUSIN KELSEY AND I TAKING A LITTLE BEER SHOT IN HONOR OF MY AUNT GINA, HER MOM.
A year ago today I was in a deteriorating relationship that I was holding on for no reason except for it was all I knew. I knew it was time for it to end and for me to move on to something new but I was too attached...for many reasons. We were technically broken up for the holidays but on New Years Eve 2009, we decided we'd try to work this out. Not but a month later we were over. He was too focused on his own personal goals while I was willing to give 100% and more to fixing the relationship. When one person gives and another cannot or is not willing to, the relationship is not a happy one. So at the end of January, a 2 year relationship with a guy I was set on marrying ended.
Now yes. I knew it was the BEST thing. I knew it was the RIGHT thing...but the tears still fell. ohhhh did they fall. But I had the BEST friends in the world to dry them off and pick me up. My friend Ryan was unbelievable at the time. No matter what the hour, morning, day or night, he'd answer my call and listen to my as I would sob. A break up is a form of loss. It is okay to grieve but there comes a time when you have to pick yourself back up and live your life for YOU. Through the wonderful help, hugs and positive energy of my wonderful friends (you all know exactly who you are), I picked myself up rather quickly and moved on with my life. I have never been happier.
As my personal love life felt as if it had been flipped turned upside down the real world didn't stop. I still had classes to attend and tables to serve. That winter quarter I pulled off straight A's. The best quarter of college I have had to date. I was seeing I had removed a lot of negative energy from my life. I told myself "2010 is about ME. I am going to focus on finishing school strong, making money and having fun with friends and family. i am not going to throw myself into another relationship. It is time for me." ..Well, we all know that was slightly unsuccessful. haha. I even went and got a tattoo that I had been wanting!
My 21st birthday quickly approached and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday celebration. All of my friends made it out that night and well, to put it bluntly, I was carried out of the bar. Success.
As I was strengthening all my friendships and making new ones, a new man entered my life a big unexpectedly. Needless to say, it was the best thing to ever happen. Brian is amazing. He somehow says all the right things, knows how to get me to smile and really loves me for me. I visited him out in California after we hit it off at my birthday and well the connection was really undeniable. So we figured we would give it a shot. Our relationship is a long distance relationship. But we are making it work wonderfully thanks to Skype and Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg and the inventor of Skype!
My nephew turned THREE this year. I have no idea where three years went but that little baby is not a little baby anymore! He is becoming a little man and is just the cutest ever. He knows so much and it amazes me to see the things he does and hear the things he says. He is going to be a big brother in June :)
2010 was a tough year. My sister had a miscarriage, Brian lost a friend overseas, and now I see my younger sister going through the same heartbreak I did a year ago. I hope 2011 brings her the same joy that I have found. I tried coming off my antidepressant this year just to find out I really do need them. Which is okay. I am at peace with that. I still see a counselor fairly regularly and she is really helping me through a lot. I have a lot of personal insecurities I am dealing with. So thank you 2010 for making me a stronger person, for helping me realize my true friends and for bringing an amazing man into my life. But to be honest 2010, I can't wait for you to be over!
Now, I know I couldn't include EVERYTHING that happened this year in this post, so leave a memory we had together during 2010 either as a comment on facebook or as a comment on here :)
BRIAN AND I BEFORE HE LEFT TO GO BACK TO SAN DIEGO BEFORE GOING ON DEPLOYMENT
LEGALLY BUYING ALCOHOL :)
THE LITTLE BOY WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW SPECIAL HE IS <3
WE USED TO SHARE FRUIT SNACKS, NOW WE SHARE COCKTAILS
THE BEST FRIENDS A GIRL COULD AS FOR
FAM[ILY]
NOTHING COMES BETWEEN US.
MY COUSIN KELSEY AND I TAKING A LITTLE BEER SHOT IN HONOR OF MY AUNT GINA, HER MOM.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Decade.
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt.
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
You are one strong woman with a big smile.
You tell me the right thing and you are encouraging.
You treat me and others wit love and are always happy.
To me I think you are helpful.
Your hazel eyes make me comfortable
You love to be with family.
You listen to me; you give me strength.
Whenever I see Precious Moments statues I think of you
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
I wrote this poem 10 years ago in 6th grade as an assignment. I read it to my Aunt Gina, in person, the night before she passed away. It ended up on the back of the program for her funeral as well. I don't know where the original copy is, but I do have a copy of the program,
I remember her room being on the left side of the hallway from where we came in. The room was filled with people who loved her and that she loved back. After I read it to her, we hung it on the wall by her bed and hugged her. As the image of my aunt replays in my head, she looks so frail. Thats not the woman I knew growing up. She was one of the strongest people I knew. Her smile lit up her face. So many memories have ran through my head today. So many I hold near and dear to my heart.
So here we are, 10 years later. My cousin Kelsey is coming up from Texas for Christmas this year. Kelsey has that exact strength that her mom had. I admire her for what she has been through and how she has kept herself together. She has such a big heart just like her mom and her smile lights up her face. Megan is a spitting image of her mom. the curls and the freckles. Megan is one of the sweetest and most genuine young ladies I know. She has been a lover since she was born. And unfortunately I don't know Paige the same way I know the other two girls but I am sure many of her mom's qualities are shining through as she grows up.
I love and miss you Aunt Gina. Your picture hangs on my mirror, I see you every day. Your Precious Moments statue sits on my night stand and I look at that every day. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. I will never understand why God took you so soon from us. But if I can guess why, its because He wanted His best angels by His side and you are definitely among His best.
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
You are one strong woman with a big smile.
You tell me the right thing and you are encouraging.
You treat me and others wit love and are always happy.
To me I think you are helpful.
Your hazel eyes make me comfortable
You love to be with family.
You listen to me; you give me strength.
Whenever I see Precious Moments statues I think of you
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
I wrote this poem 10 years ago in 6th grade as an assignment. I read it to my Aunt Gina, in person, the night before she passed away. It ended up on the back of the program for her funeral as well. I don't know where the original copy is, but I do have a copy of the program,
I remember her room being on the left side of the hallway from where we came in. The room was filled with people who loved her and that she loved back. After I read it to her, we hung it on the wall by her bed and hugged her. As the image of my aunt replays in my head, she looks so frail. Thats not the woman I knew growing up. She was one of the strongest people I knew. Her smile lit up her face. So many memories have ran through my head today. So many I hold near and dear to my heart.
So here we are, 10 years later. My cousin Kelsey is coming up from Texas for Christmas this year. Kelsey has that exact strength that her mom had. I admire her for what she has been through and how she has kept herself together. She has such a big heart just like her mom and her smile lights up her face. Megan is a spitting image of her mom. the curls and the freckles. Megan is one of the sweetest and most genuine young ladies I know. She has been a lover since she was born. And unfortunately I don't know Paige the same way I know the other two girls but I am sure many of her mom's qualities are shining through as she grows up.
I love and miss you Aunt Gina. Your picture hangs on my mirror, I see you every day. Your Precious Moments statue sits on my night stand and I look at that every day. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. I will never understand why God took you so soon from us. But if I can guess why, its because He wanted His best angels by His side and you are definitely among His best.
Monday, November 29, 2010
1 month!
alright. So I go in Friday for my 1 month check up on my new medicine. I can't believe its been a month since I started this whole process of getting back on my feet.
I've still been feeling slightly disinterested and lethargic but I know that this is definitely not an over night process. But I'm feeling better. I can feel the improvements. Yawning is a weird yet very evident side effect of this medicine. My dr said something about it and I just kind of shrugged it off like "ha okay". but omgosh, I can't turn off the yawns!
Grandma is here visiting. I absolutely love having her here. She is 87 and still sharp as a nail. (is that the expression?) haha Since I am out of school I've just been helping get her to the dr, out to lunch and up and down the stairs. We keep each other company. It is os nice having her around because we keep each other company. We'd be sitting around alone all day otherwise.
Trying to get into the holiday spirit. I can't believe its Christmas season already. Its just so crazy how fast this year has gone by. So much has happened. I'll blog about that closer to new years :)
I've still been feeling slightly disinterested and lethargic but I know that this is definitely not an over night process. But I'm feeling better. I can feel the improvements. Yawning is a weird yet very evident side effect of this medicine. My dr said something about it and I just kind of shrugged it off like "ha okay". but omgosh, I can't turn off the yawns!
Grandma is here visiting. I absolutely love having her here. She is 87 and still sharp as a nail. (is that the expression?) haha Since I am out of school I've just been helping get her to the dr, out to lunch and up and down the stairs. We keep each other company. It is os nice having her around because we keep each other company. We'd be sitting around alone all day otherwise.
Trying to get into the holiday spirit. I can't believe its Christmas season already. Its just so crazy how fast this year has gone by. So much has happened. I'll blog about that closer to new years :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
just a little rant.
I dont know what it is but I am just not feeling it the past few days. Maybe its the adjustment to the busy life I was living before break and not knowing how to handle this down time I have or what. Maybe its because I was so busy before between work, homework, school and life that I just want to lay around and do nothing. have nothing to worry about. I just feel exhausted and would love to just lay around for a day. But I can't. Then people get on my case about "whats wrong?" "did I do something?" NO! you didn't. Can I not just be left alone?! I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or not doing something good enough. I will never live up to my parents expectations and thats okay, I've accepted that. I'm a lousy Communications major but thats what I like and enjoy and well, my happiness is what matters. This is one of the many reasons why I am in counseling. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like what I am doing is good enough. Someone is always doing something better and more "honorable" than I am. I am the middle child and as many other middle children out there would probably agree, we tend to slip into the shadows and learn to accept it. Just how life goes I guess. So its hard for me to accept when someone, like Brian, makes me a big deal, makes what I do a big deal, and etc. I get so modest about it and don't really know how to accept compliments well.
Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.
thats enough ranting.
Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.
thats enough ranting.
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