West Virginia, Mountain Mama

What a life. What a weekend. My parents spent the last week cruising the seas visiting the Caymen Islands, Mexico, Honduras and Belize. I had a week of taking care of pets, studying for finals, and working. I got straight A's which was the highlight of my quarter! The worst quarter emotionally was the best for me academically. strange. haha

Well I took the advice of my counselor and created new memories in a place that Eric and I used to have them. Saturday night Nicole called me and said we were going on a road trip. I met her at her apartment after work and we were off to Chilicothe. We stopped by Wal Mart, got some Monster and Taylor Swift's "Fearless" cd and started a late late night! Her friend Matt was coming to visit for the weekend and bringing his friend Ben. Nicole and I were going to meet them and then have them follow us back to her place. Long story short, we ended up crossing the bride into west virginia and traveling down the same roads that Eric and I had 7 months ago for our white water rafting trip. Memories filled my mind, but as Tay Swift filled the air with her songs of strength and life, I filled my lungs with air and sang the words with 100% force behind them. I cannot even begin to express how GREAT it felt. To not have a care in the world, be sitting next to my best friend, and covering the roads I once traveled before, with new tire tracks. I have never felt so free or alive.

This is only the beginning of something beautiful. Everyone is telling me they haven't seen me this happy in years and that single looks good on me. I am definitely believing that. Single does look good on me, looks like I need a new pair of shoes to go with it :)

Why Hello Spring :)

Yesterday was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and campus finally woke up from the sleepiness of winter. I chose to walk outside rather than take the tunnels and carried my coat in my arms rather than wear it! Oh welcome spring, I have been waiting for you. Everyone everywhere is eating up the spring-like weather. I finally was able to pull out the flip flops and even saw people in shorts! Work felt the hit too. We were DEAD until about 7. No one wants to go sit inside somewhere and eat when they could eat up the sunlight playing football or tag with their kids. Now its supposed to rain the rest of the week, but at least it's going to be warm! I will say though, I do enjoy the smell outside after its rained. While punching in the numbers to the garage pad last night, I ate it up as the smell of summer lingered in the air and I reminced of summer's past. I have a feeling this summer is going to be a good one. I want to plan a vacation with some friends, I don't have anyone holding me down, and I am just in a more positive state of mind than I have been in a very long time. I feel good.

Bittersweet

Its week 9. I have one more week until finals. Another quarter down. The end of a quarter is always bitter sweet. New friendships have formed and its feels as thought just as everyone is getting close, time is up. I won't lie, that is one of the reasons why I liked semesters. Just as midterm came up is when everyone became close, for we had 8 more weeks to enjoy each others company. Now, the class work and the actual classes I won't miss. haha

This quarter has been so insane and such a roller coaster ride that I honestly can say that I am not upset that I don't have any spring break plans. All I want to do is sit around and do absolutely nothing. Enjoy comfy pants and boredom because next quarter is going to be just as hectic.

Well, its time to take some meds and go to bed!

FUN.

I feel like a new woman. I am going to be okay from all of this. I realized it Friday night as I was hanging out with an old friend. The night started out as just coffee at Starbucks, but it led to buying a laundry basket from kroger and sledding at Little Mound Park. The whole night was just...fun. I realized, that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have fun. I am almost 21 years old and I tried growing up way too fast.

Friday I had lunch with Eric. Yes, I tried justifying so many things that had gone wrong for us and even cried. After hanging out with Danny Friday night, I realized I shouldn't have to try and convince someone of the relationship. I realized that the blue eyes looking back at me were not the same blue eyes I had been looking into for two years. The man I loved was not in there anymore. And that's fine, I wish him the best. But this is MY time now.

I went out with people from work last night and had a blast yet again. I could dance with whoever I wanted to, I didn't have to worry about anyone else or their feelings. I got to be me. I felt like myself again. Goofy. Free. Happy. I honestly can say that I have not been this happy in a really long time. There has been no fighting or tension, just fun and at 20 years old, thats how it should be!

So I am going to be okay... I am okay. And I can't thank the people who have been there for me enough. You all are amazing, beautiful people and I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for the support, love and comfort through this :)

Owen :)

So its been a rough couple of days. I felt like my life was becoming a landslide. One huge chunk goes missing and the rest of it comes crumbling down. Things are NO WHERE near where I wish they would be, but there's been one special little boy who managed to brighten my day and get me to laugh.

Erin asked if I could pick up Owen yesterday from daycare. I agreed and it was the best decision I could have made. I got a little teary eyed at certain points during the evening because I wanted nothing more than for Eric to be there and see all of the new things Owen was doing and saying. Eric used to come with me on Mondays while Erin and Andrew went to a class. We'd always have a blast and I loved watching the two of them play. Anyways, Owen and I were in the bathroom because he had to go potty...and he did! in the potty!! I was so proud of him!! We get to goofing off and he climbs up onto my lap and squeezes my face with his hands and I start talking, immediately he begins cracking up. We sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes just cracking up repeating this over and over. No one had been able to get my to genuinely laugh like that in a month. The rest of the night was spent chasing him around acting like a dog, being tackled, and sharing lots of laughs.

Owen's two years old and has an effect on me like no one else. He's so innocent (his mother may not agree! ;) ) he doesn't have a care in the world and just has so much love to give. He doesn't realize it, but he has helped me tremendously during the toughest time of my life.

When?

Well, it seems as though things are just always too good to be true. Things had seemed to be looking up for me, the crash and fall. I guess I had just been too lucky to have so much going so well for me for so long, that now, I deserve it. I am just not sure how much more disappointment I can take.

I would think that things would get easier as more time progressed, but I still feel the pain just as I did a month ago. For him, he's numb. I wish I could be numb. Stop feeling. There's a line in Lady Antebellum's song "Need You Now" that says "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all" and I see what she means when she sings it.At least she cared enough about the man that she feels pain after he left. That's how I know he was something important to me, because of the pain I am feeling. I know I 100% loved him and still do. But there are definitely times where I could just feel nothing rather than this pain.

When will things start looking up? I lose one thing, then its like nothing else fits into place or works out...

2,438,765

There is absolutely nothing like those gentle blue eyes looking back at me. That smile across his face as we stand talking. The comfort radiating between our bodies and the longing to just hold one another. His natural smell lingers as I feel unexplainable. Just as I had felt so many times before when I would sleep in a sweatshirt or shirt he had recently given to me. The touch of his hand on my shoulder stops my breath as I feel that familiar hand. I watch him walk past and can't help but feel 2,438,765 different emotions. Everything from those butterflies who tend to show up every now and then when hes around to pain because things can't be how we want them to be. How they used to be. How they should be.