So this post is way over due. I don't even know where to begin. There have been so many things that have gone one that I've found myself saying "that'd be really good to blog about" but never get around to it. Things such as the following...
Apologies will come in time if they are truly deserved.
I had two people sincerely apologize to me for the way they had treated me. Both I was not expecting what so ever. I was made sure that they knew I had done nothing that they had acted out of line. It was comforting. Comforting to know that I had been handling myself correctly. I don't want to go into too much detail about the situations out of respect for these two people. But I will say this too. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before you just don't really believe it anymore. This is the case for one of these people. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
It's 2010, you can have friends you don't know.
Thanks to social networking (facebook mainly) we are able to join groups, causes and fan pages with people from all around the world. We instantly have something in common with these people. That site/page. I joined a US Navy Girlfriends group on Facebook after Brian deployed. These women are amazing. We are all going through similar situations. Some of the sailors are off at school, boot camp, or deployment while others are just stationed far from home. No one really understands what it is like to have a significant other in the service unless you've been through it. These girls know what "underway" and "duty" means. We can post that he hate when our man is on duty and get 10 other girls who "like" our post who know exactly what we mean. I've never met these girls and probably never will, but we have a bond that only we understand.
Now for the real reason behind this post. To anyone who is reading and does not know... I suffer from depression. It runs in my family and has been overlooked for years. I myself overlooked it for a long time. I felt as though admitting to it was weak. I thought I could fight it myself. Well, I did for a long time until it got to be just too much. A year ago I went on Cymbalta and that seemed to help. I have recently decided I want off the medicine. I feel like I've given into the depression and let it win by resorting to the medicine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but the only way I can find out is by trying to come off of it. Now heres what I am going through...
I feel like hell. I feel sort of a constant motion sickness and get this weird feeling in my brain. It doesn't hurt just is really annoying. I can hear it though. I can't even describe it. Some people have described it as "brain shutters" or "brain shivers". I was taking one 30 mg pill every other day last week. I was a mess. I threw up multiple times one day and just felt like death. So I went to see my Dr. about going on another pill that has less severe withdrawal. She prescribed me Prozac. This was right before my trip to Tennessee with Brian's mom and sister so I decided to hold off on changing meds until after the weekend. I ran out of time to fill my prescription monday and decided that I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna stop it here. The thing about Cymbalta is that it has a half life of 12 hours... so when I would take it every other day my body would go into shock. So no more medicine.
Today is the fourth day I have gone without it. I can't say that I feel good but I can't say that I feel absolutely miserable. I did throw up today after seeing my dog throw up my hair ties she decided to eat. My stomach is just a little more sensitive right now. I feel like I am eating EVERYTHING which most likely is a problem too. For a year my appetite had been suppressed. So not only am I feeling physical craziness I'm seriously an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel like crying out of no where. Then when I do cry I just can't stop. I haven't even really let myself cry about Brian being gone. I probably chose the worst possible time EVER to try to come off this, but if I can make it through right now, I can make it through everything.
So I apologize to anyone whom I have snapped at or canceled plans on. Things are just so insane for me right now. I hope you understand. and please, keep me in your prayers while i through this extremely difficult transition right now.
