1 month!

alright. So I go in Friday for my 1 month check up on my new medicine. I can't believe its been a month since I started this whole process of getting back on my feet.

I've still been feeling slightly disinterested and lethargic but I know that this is definitely not an over night process. But I'm feeling better. I can feel the improvements. Yawning is a weird yet very evident side effect of this medicine. My dr said something about it and I just kind of shrugged it off like "ha okay". but omgosh, I can't turn off the yawns!

Grandma is here visiting. I absolutely love having her here. She is 87 and still sharp as a nail. (is that the expression?) haha Since I am out of school I've just been helping get her to the dr, out to lunch and up and down the stairs. We keep each other company. It is os nice having her around because we keep each other company. We'd be sitting around alone all day otherwise.

Trying to get into the holiday spirit. I can't believe its Christmas season already. Its just so crazy how fast this year has gone by. So much has happened. I'll blog about that closer to new years :)

just a little rant.

I dont know what it is but I am just not feeling it the past few days. Maybe its the adjustment to the busy life I was living before break and not knowing how to handle this down time I have or what. Maybe its because I was so busy before between work, homework, school and life that I just want to lay around and do nothing. have nothing to worry about. I just feel exhausted and would love to just lay around for a day. But I can't. Then people get on my case about "whats wrong?" "did I do something?" NO! you didn't. Can I not just be left alone?! I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or not doing something good enough. I will never live up to my parents expectations and thats okay, I've accepted that. I'm a lousy Communications major but thats what I like and enjoy and well, my happiness is what matters. This is one of the many reasons why I am in counseling. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like what I am doing is good enough. Someone is always doing something better and more "honorable" than I am. I am the middle child and as many other middle children out there would probably agree, we tend to slip into the shadows and learn to accept it. Just how life goes I guess. So its hard for me to accept when someone, like Brian, makes me a big deal, makes what I do a big deal, and etc. I get so modest about it and don't really know how to accept compliments well.

Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.

thats enough ranting.

busy. busy. busy.

so its been a few days. But the past couple days have been a bit tough. Stuck in that slump. I hate rainy days.

I've finally been able to sleep through the nights so now I am sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. My counselor told me I need to listen to my body more. (not the first time I have heard this) She said that there is a reason why I am tired and that I want to sleep. I constantly go. I always have something to do and when I don't, I'm thinking of what needs to be done. But I've caught up on my sleep and am feeling pretty good today considering its super gloomy and cold out.

Grandma comes into town Saturday Really looking forward to having her in town :) Too bad my weekend is full of work. work for my internship and of course serving tables work. Super busy this weekend but I'm hoping next week slows down a bit.

School is done though. Such a relief to not have to worry about classes. :) only 2 quarters away from graduating!!

Days 5 and 6.

Yawning. ...a strange but very evident side effect of this medicine. haha I've never heard of such a thing but I am totally noticing that I am yawning all the damn time! I'll take it though. The yawning is totally worth it.

Been feeling pretty good though this weekend. Things are starting to have meaning again and I actually look forward to upcoming events. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Just a week ago, I didn't think such. I felt that there was no getting out of this. I wasn't going to get better. There was no hope for me. I was stuck in this trap and there was no getting out of it. I felt hopeless and ultimately worthless. These feelings resulted in me laying in bed all the time, snapping at everyone and totally isolating myself from anyone who mattered and even from those who did not. I'm so happy to know that I am coming out of this strong. I have control over this and I have taken that control to its fullest. Medicine is not a weakness, its an aid. Don't be afraid to resort to it if it means getting your life back. You've been given this one life and it should not be lived the way that anyone who suffers from untreated depression lives. You deserve that chance to smile, laugh and see the light in everything that surrounds you.

yay for the cowboys finally winning a game :)

Day 4.

Today was GREAT! finally! a genuinely good day! I got a pretty good night's sleep. My neck has been bothering me all week, been having the same pain I had after my accident :/ luckily I have a chiropractor appointment in the morning to get it taken care of! my chiropractor is probably the best doctor to happen to me!

Had coffee with a friend this morning with the goal of writing a paper. HA. we ended up Skyping Brian instead! :)

Apps and drinks with another friend tonight and a movie date with her as well! Morning Glory is a must see! sooo funny! It was nice to laugh and catch up with both friends today, and even Brian. I haven't laughed like I did today in a while and it was liberating. I know I'm fixing this and getting my life back! This part before the medicine is really mind over matter. I know the meds aren't kicking in right now, but just the fact that I know I am taking the steps necessary to fixing this. I'm on top of this.

So to anyone reading this right now. Thank you for reading. I have had a few people contact me thanking me for posting what I am going through. It's nice to know people can relate and that my postings are helping them in some way :)

Day 3.

Well here is day three. No major improvements, yet no regression either.

Tuesday was my last day of classes. I only have a few assignments and 2 finals before I am DONE DONE DONE for the quarter. ..and believe me, I am so ready for break. Although, this break isn't going to be much of a break! Im going to be working as much as I can to save that money and be able to afford Christmas presents! haha Im getting my top wisdom teeth out December 6th so I'll be down a few days. Grandma is coming up from Georgia for Thanksgiving and staying with us through the new year!! :) AAAAND my cousin Kelsey is going to be coming up for Christmas. I haven't seen her since I graduated high school in 2007. I am sooo looking forward to seeing her. Its been way too long! So the holidays should be really good this year :)

I got the clear from my GI doctor to be on an "as needed" basis with her. I can't believe its already been a year since I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. time sure is flying by! A lot has happened this past year and well, I should have carried a video camera around with me and posted it on youtube... it totally would have been the next "big thing". ;)

Alright well, time to relax before going to work. I've worked on my training plan all day for school because I haven't been able to focus enough on it. So I forced myself to finish it and guess what! its done :) Just gonna look over it all tomorrow and then hopefully submit it and thats one less thing i have to worry about!

ps. thank you veterans and all who are currently serving this country :) its because of you that we get to live the life we do!

Day 2. Sleep.

This whole time change thing always screws me up! I was exhausted by 830 last night! pathetic I know. I forced myself to stay up and watch dancing with the stars then passed out. Finally getting better sleep. For so long I had been waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. "I have to do this" "I need to have this done by this time" "uhhh did I get that done?" I'd feel so anxious then not be able to go back to sleep worth the life of me. I still woke up and found myself having racing thoughts last night, but I'm determined to be stronger than this and I forced myself to go back to sleep.

My doctor said a side effect of this medicine can yawning. Even without feeling tired. Definitely experiencing some of that today. or maybe I'm tired?

Day 1.

Alright, I took the first pill of the Lexapro this morning before heading to class. Of course I'm not going to feel any improvement today but it does feel good to know I'm fixing this. Still feeling super tired. I could take a nice long nap right now if it were up to me. But no, I am forcing myself to stay at school and work on things until my Yoga final. Yes, we have a yoga final. Then I have a short break and am going to go drop something off to a friend who has been waiting for it for ever then back to school for one of the classes i despise the most...counseling. I just don't know anyone in the class. I'm taking it as an elective and basically everyone else needs it because they are rehab majors. The prof is super boring and I really can't stand to hear her talk. If we didn't meet only one time a week, and it wasn't the last class before the final, I wouldn't go. (ugh thats the lack of motivation talking).

Well, time to work on my training plan for my online consulting class.

I got this.

This Little Light of Mine.

Depression is quite possibly the worst thing for a person to go through. It is a battle from inside. It is almost like a demon has come inside and taken all of what you live for. That special light that lies within each human being is taken from you. And for no reason at all. I have had NO drive to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. That light, that spark has just been taken from me.

Tomorrow is the beginning of something great for me. I have been given a new anti depressant, Lexapro, to start taking. I originally came off of the meds for the wrong reasons, but am realizing it has helped me realize this is something way deeper and stronger than a mind over matter issue. I have realized though that Cymbalta is not a good anti depressant for me. It worked while I was on it, but as for coming off of it, there is no way I am going to do that to myself again. I have put myself through enough and my body, mind and spirit deserve some good; which is what I am hoping to get from this new medicine.

Most importantly, I have put the people who matter the most to me through enough. To my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend, I am truly sorry for my insanity the past month. I' have not been myself at all. I am anxious to get my life back. Thank you for sticking with me. Especially Brian, you are who I have probably been the toughest on and I hate what this has put us through. But we are stronger than this dumb depression and we are stronger than deployment. You'll be home soon enough and we will be given our, much deserved, time to be together. I love you. and I love all of my friends for being so wonderful and I love my family for being so understanding.

As of tomorrow, I start over. Everything from this past month is put behind me. I am looking at all of this differently. The medicine won't take action immediately, but I am not going to sit around and wait anymore. This is in my hands. It has been the whole time but I haven't had the drive or the interest in fixing myself. The only reason why I got that extra push to get a hold of all of this is because I went through all of this before. I realized what this was and what it was doing. So if you are the praying type, please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks as I get a hold of my life again. I feel confident and comfortable going back on medicine. I needed to know that this was something that was indeed a biological chemical imbalance and not just due to the negative energy in my life at the time I originally decided to start medication.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"

Giving in.

I can't do this without medicine. It's been about a month and I don't feel as though I am progressing. I thought I was doing okay but the depression is just too much. I have been so irritable, uninterested, and low feeling. It's not me. The times that I do feel happy seem to be the maximum of happiness I feel like I can reach when in all reality thats the minimum level of happiness I should feel every day. But I don't feel that. I want to be happy again. Medicine is not a weakness. It's an aid in helping me. I realize that this is something that is chemically wrong. It's not me. I'm not at fault for this. It's just God's plan for me.

So Wednesday I am going to talk to my counselor about going on a low dosage of an anti depressant. I need it. This is just too much for me not to have something. I will not go back on Cymbalta. The withdrawal is way too tough to deal with and I don't want to feel that I am dependent on the medicine. I want to feel as though its an aid in helping me through each day. Some people need it and I am one of those people.