FUN.

I feel like a new woman. I am going to be okay from all of this. I realized it Friday night as I was hanging out with an old friend. The night started out as just coffee at Starbucks, but it led to buying a laundry basket from kroger and sledding at Little Mound Park. The whole night was just...fun. I realized, that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have fun. I am almost 21 years old and I tried growing up way too fast.

Friday I had lunch with Eric. Yes, I tried justifying so many things that had gone wrong for us and even cried. After hanging out with Danny Friday night, I realized I shouldn't have to try and convince someone of the relationship. I realized that the blue eyes looking back at me were not the same blue eyes I had been looking into for two years. The man I loved was not in there anymore. And that's fine, I wish him the best. But this is MY time now.

I went out with people from work last night and had a blast yet again. I could dance with whoever I wanted to, I didn't have to worry about anyone else or their feelings. I got to be me. I felt like myself again. Goofy. Free. Happy. I honestly can say that I have not been this happy in a really long time. There has been no fighting or tension, just fun and at 20 years old, thats how it should be!

So I am going to be okay... I am okay. And I can't thank the people who have been there for me enough. You all are amazing, beautiful people and I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for the support, love and comfort through this :)

Owen :)

So its been a rough couple of days. I felt like my life was becoming a landslide. One huge chunk goes missing and the rest of it comes crumbling down. Things are NO WHERE near where I wish they would be, but there's been one special little boy who managed to brighten my day and get me to laugh.

Erin asked if I could pick up Owen yesterday from daycare. I agreed and it was the best decision I could have made. I got a little teary eyed at certain points during the evening because I wanted nothing more than for Eric to be there and see all of the new things Owen was doing and saying. Eric used to come with me on Mondays while Erin and Andrew went to a class. We'd always have a blast and I loved watching the two of them play. Anyways, Owen and I were in the bathroom because he had to go potty...and he did! in the potty!! I was so proud of him!! We get to goofing off and he climbs up onto my lap and squeezes my face with his hands and I start talking, immediately he begins cracking up. We sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes just cracking up repeating this over and over. No one had been able to get my to genuinely laugh like that in a month. The rest of the night was spent chasing him around acting like a dog, being tackled, and sharing lots of laughs.

Owen's two years old and has an effect on me like no one else. He's so innocent (his mother may not agree! ;) ) he doesn't have a care in the world and just has so much love to give. He doesn't realize it, but he has helped me tremendously during the toughest time of my life.

When?

Well, it seems as though things are just always too good to be true. Things had seemed to be looking up for me, the crash and fall. I guess I had just been too lucky to have so much going so well for me for so long, that now, I deserve it. I am just not sure how much more disappointment I can take.

I would think that things would get easier as more time progressed, but I still feel the pain just as I did a month ago. For him, he's numb. I wish I could be numb. Stop feeling. There's a line in Lady Antebellum's song "Need You Now" that says "Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all" and I see what she means when she sings it.At least she cared enough about the man that she feels pain after he left. That's how I know he was something important to me, because of the pain I am feeling. I know I 100% loved him and still do. But there are definitely times where I could just feel nothing rather than this pain.

When will things start looking up? I lose one thing, then its like nothing else fits into place or works out...

2,438,765

There is absolutely nothing like those gentle blue eyes looking back at me. That smile across his face as we stand talking. The comfort radiating between our bodies and the longing to just hold one another. His natural smell lingers as I feel unexplainable. Just as I had felt so many times before when I would sleep in a sweatshirt or shirt he had recently given to me. The touch of his hand on my shoulder stops my breath as I feel that familiar hand. I watch him walk past and can't help but feel 2,438,765 different emotions. Everything from those butterflies who tend to show up every now and then when hes around to pain because things can't be how we want them to be. How they used to be. How they should be.

Valentine's Day.

Today is Valentine's Day and although I no longer have a boyfriend, I don't look at it as a "made up holiday" or a "Hallmark Holiday". They only say that because they are bitter. I am not bitter than I don't have a boyfriend this year, I am not bitter towards love or happy couples. I have a lot of love in my life and this Valentine's Day that's what I celebrated.

Anyways the real reason for this blog is that yes, it is Valentine's Day, but it is the first Valentine's Day since middle school that I have spent it single. No big deal, it's gotta happen sometime, right? I spent my day spending half of my earnings fom last night at Target, watching some tv, then out to dinner with Corie and Megan. Not what I deep down wanted for this special day of love, but I'll take it.

It has been 3 full weeks since my 2 year relationship with Eric ended. Will someone pinch me? because I have no idea how I am functioning right now. Lies. I know exactly how I am. I have had an amazing support system. My parents regularly checking up on me, my friends sending me random texts like "hey hun, how are you today?" or "How are you dealing today?" It really does help to know that people are concerned for my well-being. They know how much Eric meant...means... to me. They know how truly broken I am right now. And I know how much they love and care about me. To all of my friends, THANK YOU. If it weren't for you guys I think I would still be lying in bed moping. Some days are better than others and I am strong one day but not the next. I lost my best friend, my other half, my boyfriend and my rock in all of this and I have no idea what is going to happen from here. Will we get back together? If so, when? Will I ever trust to love again? Will I ever fall for someone the way I fell for him? There are a lot of unanswered questions right now, but quite frankly, I am sick of unanswered questions.

What About Me?

I am so tired of worrying about what other people will say or think about me if I do something. I am tired of being judged and held up to certain expectations. It's like because I have been one way my whole life, I am expected to remain that way forever. Things that I may not agree with or enjoy at one time, I feel like I can't change my mind without being judged. Its cruel. Yet at the same time, it is just as much my fault because I have allowed myself to worry about what others think. I worry about what they might say and sometimes it prevents me from doing things that I may actually enjoy doing.

Last night I got my very first tattoo. I went in with a picture in mind of exactly what I wanted: a small cross on my foot. I came out with a cross on my foot, but it is not as small as I was planning on or talking about. But it came out really cool and I really like it. I got a lot of support from my friends, but when it came to some of the most important people in my life, I only felt like it was disappointing. What does it matter if I like it? If I am happy with it? I feel like for so long my happiness has not been taken into consideration, only stereotypical expectations.

I am done. I can't take it anymore. If you don't like me or my decisions, then leave. I am 20 years old and an adult now. I know the consequences of a tattoo--permanent. But how does that affect you!? It doesn't. I chose a cross to symbolize God and how He is the only one to not betray me or hurt me in my life. It's the meaning that counts, not the size, not the permanency, not the color or style. I know some people consider tattoos "trashy" but let them. I got something with meaning, not something random because I was drunk and felt the need to tattoo someone's name on my ass.

So I ask of you this bloggers, worry about your own happiness and just SUPPORT someone in what makes them happy. Because if you don't, they are only upset and living in a world of second guesses. They start to question every move they make in fear that someone they love won't agree with it. The happiness of another person is their happiness, not yours. Don't be so selfish.

Starting Out

Hello World.

I have decided to blog, I feel like its almost like Xanga again. haha. I loved Xanga and being able to tell everyone about my day and my feelings. So here I am, in 2010, blogging. I will start off with a little about myself.

I've been around for 20 years and learned a lot. I've been told I am pretty mature for my age but have had many say I am immature. My outlook on it, you can't be serious your whole life nor do you know how to handle each situation you encounter perfectly. I am the middle child of three. I have a sister who is 7 years older than me and another sister who is 17 months younger than me. Being raised in a house with three girls there was a lot of competition and drama. But we have all grown up since then. I am an aunt to an adorable 2 1/2 year old nephew who can put a smile on my face no matter how terrible of a day I have had. I've never broken a bone or been in a near-death experience.

Currently I am a junior in college. I have no idea what I want to do with my degree after graduation but I trust I will guided in the right direction. I have been in love and there is no feeling like it. We have recently broken up and it has been one of the hardest experiences of my life. He is an amazing person inside and out, he has his flaws, but so do I. Our personalities clash at times but that happens with me and my parents too. I have my trust in God that He will help me through this and have things the way they are meant to be. I am sure I will blog plenty about my current situation with the man who I truly believe is the one for me. I feel as though many people can relate to relationship stories and to hear that others are going through the same things as they are or have gone through before, only helps.

Well cheers to my first blog. It's homework time for me considered I did nothing at all during my snow day today. My back deck and ruler say there are 12 inches of snow. Not bad. I still want to go sledding. :)