It's Been Far Too Long.

So this post is way over due. I don't even know where to begin. There have been so many things that have gone one that I've found myself saying "that'd be really good to blog about" but never get around to it. Things such as the following...

Apologies will come in time if they are truly deserved.
I had two people sincerely apologize to me for the way they had treated me. Both I was not expecting what so ever. I was made sure that they knew I had done nothing that they had acted out of line. It was comforting. Comforting to know that I had been handling myself correctly. I don't want to go into too much detail about the situations out of respect for these two people. But I will say this too. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before you just don't really believe it anymore. This is the case for one of these people. Actions speak louder than words my friend.

It's 2010, you can have friends you don't know.
Thanks to social networking (facebook mainly) we are able to join groups, causes and fan pages with people from all around the world. We instantly have something in common with these people. That site/page. I joined a US Navy Girlfriends group on Facebook after Brian deployed. These women are amazing. We are all going through similar situations. Some of the sailors are off at school, boot camp, or deployment while others are just stationed far from home. No one really understands what it is like to have a significant other in the service unless you've been through it. These girls know what "underway" and "duty" means. We can post that he hate when our man is on duty and get 10 other girls who "like" our post who know exactly what we mean. I've never met these girls and probably never will, but we have a bond that only we understand.

Now for the real reason behind this post. To anyone who is reading and does not know... I suffer from depression. It runs in my family and has been overlooked for years. I myself overlooked it for a long time. I felt as though admitting to it was weak. I thought I could fight it myself. Well, I did for a long time until it got to be just too much. A year ago I went on Cymbalta and that seemed to help. I have recently decided I want off the medicine. I feel like I've given into the depression and let it win by resorting to the medicine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but the only way I can find out is by trying to come off of it. Now heres what I am going through...

I feel like hell. I feel sort of a constant motion sickness and get this weird feeling in my brain. It doesn't hurt just is really annoying. I can hear it though. I can't even describe it. Some people have described it as "brain shutters" or "brain shivers". I was taking one 30 mg pill every other day last week. I was a mess. I threw up multiple times one day and just felt like death. So I went to see my Dr. about going on another pill that has less severe withdrawal. She prescribed me Prozac. This was right before my trip to Tennessee with Brian's mom and sister so I decided to hold off on changing meds until after the weekend. I ran out of time to fill my prescription monday and decided that I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna stop it here. The thing about Cymbalta is that it has a half life of 12 hours... so when I would take it every other day my body would go into shock. So no more medicine.

Today is the fourth day I have gone without it. I can't say that I feel good but I can't say that I feel absolutely miserable. I did throw up today after seeing my dog throw up my hair ties she decided to eat. My stomach is just a little more sensitive right now. I feel like I am eating EVERYTHING which most likely is a problem too. For a year my appetite had been suppressed. So not only am I feeling physical craziness I'm seriously an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel like crying out of no where. Then when I do cry I just can't stop. I haven't even really let myself cry about Brian being gone. I probably chose the worst possible time EVER to try to come off this, but if I can make it through right now, I can make it through everything.

So I apologize to anyone whom I have snapped at or canceled plans on. Things are just so insane for me right now. I hope you understand. and please, keep me in your prayers while i through this extremely difficult transition right now.

mixed emotions.

looks like another sleepless night. this is getting frustrating. I just want one good deep sleep. just one. is that so much to ask for!?

Today was the first day (well, yesterday) was the first day I went without talking to brian. its definitely a weird feeling and I won't lie, I don't like it one bit. But thats how it is. I knew what I was getting into when we agreed to be in a relationship... but I never imagined it would affect me this way. If anything, its definitely proving to me how much I really do care about him and how much of a best friend he's becoming. I tell him everything... everything good that happens and everything bad. When my nephew says something funny or someone at work says something bitchy. He knows about it.

I have never been a girl to have really close girl friends. I've always hung out with guys and had just a small handful of close girls to go to. but lately, I've never felt closer to my girlfriends. I have that set of girls I know I can go out with and have a great time. Gossip with. Cry with. Laugh with. Its a great feeling. I am really going to stay committed to these friendships. But whats amazing about the friendships I have with these girls is that I don't have to talk to them every day all day to know they're there for me. another great feeling.

So this blog has mixed emotions. I'm tired a hell. Anxious to talk to Brian. Frustrated with not being able to just sleep. So in love with my boyfriend. and feeling great about the friends in my life right now.

now I am going to go toss and turn until the sun comes up.

The Hills Are Alive.

I hate to do this, but did you see the series finale of the "The Hills"!? If you didn't I'll fill you in. (I promise, there is a really good point to all of this!!)

So Lauren had left the show about a year ago and Kristin, "the bitch", stepped in. So now Kristin was living the life that Lauren once did.. the parties, the drama, the romances and the break ups. Well, the series has now come to an end. The final show was about how everyone was starting to go their separate ways in life. Lo was in a serious relationship and her boyfriend wanted her to move in with him. Stephanie finally found a good guy who really could relate to her and things were looking up there. Audrina moved out of Hollywood and into a house right on the beach just a short drive away. Heidi hasnt been around for a while and there is talk of her and Spencer divorcing. And well, Kristin is trying to figure out what she wants out of life. It was so weird how well I could relate to each one of these girls as I was watching this final episode. I'm having the same challenges in my life right now. I graduate in less than a year and I have to make decisions. I have to decide if Ohio is really where I want to stay. I'll be honest, as of right now, I definitely want to leave. I want to see the rest of the world. I'm young and if I have the opportunity, I should take it. I'm sure the girls of "The Hills" didn't worry about what their parents thought of them moving to LA and having their lives taped. Thats my problem, I worry too much about what everyone thinks and how they'e going to react rather than just staying true to how I feel and what I want. It's time for me to move on from what I have known and explore something new. Somewhere new.

Oh Life.

wow, its been a while since i posted. A lot has happened. But what mainly has been going on is that Brian deployed on Monday. We're used to the long distance thing, heck we built our entire relationship through long distance. But we got two weeks to finally be a "normal" couple and go to do "normal" couple things. It was great. But goodbye had to come and it sure was tough. I am hoping these next seven months go by fast. We're used to being able to talk whenever through texting or a phone call, but the other side of the world doesn't allow that capability.We'll get used to it just in time for him to come home. haha.

It sucks, I've had so much going through my head with all of this and now have no idea what to write...well, type. Honestly, I'm just so exhausted. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights due to worrying/thinking about Brian. I know, silly. But I really care for this man. He is really such a good genuine guy doing great things in his life.

On the plus side, I am LOVING my MACbook. It's nice to have a computer that works and doesn't take 10 minute and 3 tries to start!

What Goes Around Comes Around

i cant think of a good word to describe karma but its been on my mind lately. I have witnessed a few people experience karma lately and honestly, it gives me a great feeling inside. I say this now as karma is on my side... haha

For the Girl Who Has Everything

I am that girl. I have it all. I have a wonderful family I couldn't love more, awesome friends who I am so so grateful for and now a boyfriend who I can't even find words to begin to describe how he makes me feel.

I got back from San Diego yesterday morning. I had a blast. I got to get away from everything here in Ohio. Its been a hell of a year. It was so nice to have NOTHING to worry about. It was funny, Brian kept asking what I wanted to do and I just kept telling him "I'm away from Ohio, work and school. I'm set". I just wanted to spend time with him, however that might be. My second night there we were at a bar/restaurant called Croces and thats when we decided to be together officially. There was no "Will you go out with me?" or "Will you be my girlfriend?" it was an adult conversation about it. Thats really how it needed to be handled because there was SO much to be discussed. But its been the best decision yet. This guy is unbelievable. He says the right things, does the right things, and makes me feel the way I know I should be feeling. He makes me feel special yet at the same time not dependent.

I have a good feeling about this one :)

It's Here.

It's finally time.
I leave tomorrow.
I can't believe this is actually happening.


If anyone out there knows me, they know this is so unlike me. I bought a plane ticket in April to go to San Diego to see Brian. Now two months have passed and its time for me to board the plane tomorrow night and fly six hours west. I need this though. It's been a hell of a year. School and work have owned my life. My health has not been in tip top shape since the pancreatitis. and of course, the break up. I'm getting away from everything here, everyone here for the week and worrying about nothing and no one but Brian. This is our time to really be together after months of communicating only through technology.

I can't wait.