just a little rant.

I dont know what it is but I am just not feeling it the past few days. Maybe its the adjustment to the busy life I was living before break and not knowing how to handle this down time I have or what. Maybe its because I was so busy before between work, homework, school and life that I just want to lay around and do nothing. have nothing to worry about. I just feel exhausted and would love to just lay around for a day. But I can't. Then people get on my case about "whats wrong?" "did I do something?" NO! you didn't. Can I not just be left alone?! I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or not doing something good enough. I will never live up to my parents expectations and thats okay, I've accepted that. I'm a lousy Communications major but thats what I like and enjoy and well, my happiness is what matters. This is one of the many reasons why I am in counseling. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like what I am doing is good enough. Someone is always doing something better and more "honorable" than I am. I am the middle child and as many other middle children out there would probably agree, we tend to slip into the shadows and learn to accept it. Just how life goes I guess. So its hard for me to accept when someone, like Brian, makes me a big deal, makes what I do a big deal, and etc. I get so modest about it and don't really know how to accept compliments well.

Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.

thats enough ranting.