Day 3.

Well here is day three. No major improvements, yet no regression either.

Tuesday was my last day of classes. I only have a few assignments and 2 finals before I am DONE DONE DONE for the quarter. ..and believe me, I am so ready for break. Although, this break isn't going to be much of a break! Im going to be working as much as I can to save that money and be able to afford Christmas presents! haha Im getting my top wisdom teeth out December 6th so I'll be down a few days. Grandma is coming up from Georgia for Thanksgiving and staying with us through the new year!! :) AAAAND my cousin Kelsey is going to be coming up for Christmas. I haven't seen her since I graduated high school in 2007. I am sooo looking forward to seeing her. Its been way too long! So the holidays should be really good this year :)

I got the clear from my GI doctor to be on an "as needed" basis with her. I can't believe its already been a year since I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. time sure is flying by! A lot has happened this past year and well, I should have carried a video camera around with me and posted it on youtube... it totally would have been the next "big thing". ;)

Alright well, time to relax before going to work. I've worked on my training plan all day for school because I haven't been able to focus enough on it. So I forced myself to finish it and guess what! its done :) Just gonna look over it all tomorrow and then hopefully submit it and thats one less thing i have to worry about!

ps. thank you veterans and all who are currently serving this country :) its because of you that we get to live the life we do!

Day 2. Sleep.

This whole time change thing always screws me up! I was exhausted by 830 last night! pathetic I know. I forced myself to stay up and watch dancing with the stars then passed out. Finally getting better sleep. For so long I had been waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. "I have to do this" "I need to have this done by this time" "uhhh did I get that done?" I'd feel so anxious then not be able to go back to sleep worth the life of me. I still woke up and found myself having racing thoughts last night, but I'm determined to be stronger than this and I forced myself to go back to sleep.

My doctor said a side effect of this medicine can yawning. Even without feeling tired. Definitely experiencing some of that today. or maybe I'm tired?

Day 1.

Alright, I took the first pill of the Lexapro this morning before heading to class. Of course I'm not going to feel any improvement today but it does feel good to know I'm fixing this. Still feeling super tired. I could take a nice long nap right now if it were up to me. But no, I am forcing myself to stay at school and work on things until my Yoga final. Yes, we have a yoga final. Then I have a short break and am going to go drop something off to a friend who has been waiting for it for ever then back to school for one of the classes i despise the most...counseling. I just don't know anyone in the class. I'm taking it as an elective and basically everyone else needs it because they are rehab majors. The prof is super boring and I really can't stand to hear her talk. If we didn't meet only one time a week, and it wasn't the last class before the final, I wouldn't go. (ugh thats the lack of motivation talking).

Well, time to work on my training plan for my online consulting class.

I got this.

This Little Light of Mine.

Depression is quite possibly the worst thing for a person to go through. It is a battle from inside. It is almost like a demon has come inside and taken all of what you live for. That special light that lies within each human being is taken from you. And for no reason at all. I have had NO drive to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. That light, that spark has just been taken from me.

Tomorrow is the beginning of something great for me. I have been given a new anti depressant, Lexapro, to start taking. I originally came off of the meds for the wrong reasons, but am realizing it has helped me realize this is something way deeper and stronger than a mind over matter issue. I have realized though that Cymbalta is not a good anti depressant for me. It worked while I was on it, but as for coming off of it, there is no way I am going to do that to myself again. I have put myself through enough and my body, mind and spirit deserve some good; which is what I am hoping to get from this new medicine.

Most importantly, I have put the people who matter the most to me through enough. To my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend, I am truly sorry for my insanity the past month. I' have not been myself at all. I am anxious to get my life back. Thank you for sticking with me. Especially Brian, you are who I have probably been the toughest on and I hate what this has put us through. But we are stronger than this dumb depression and we are stronger than deployment. You'll be home soon enough and we will be given our, much deserved, time to be together. I love you. and I love all of my friends for being so wonderful and I love my family for being so understanding.

As of tomorrow, I start over. Everything from this past month is put behind me. I am looking at all of this differently. The medicine won't take action immediately, but I am not going to sit around and wait anymore. This is in my hands. It has been the whole time but I haven't had the drive or the interest in fixing myself. The only reason why I got that extra push to get a hold of all of this is because I went through all of this before. I realized what this was and what it was doing. So if you are the praying type, please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks as I get a hold of my life again. I feel confident and comfortable going back on medicine. I needed to know that this was something that was indeed a biological chemical imbalance and not just due to the negative energy in my life at the time I originally decided to start medication.

"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"

Giving in.

I can't do this without medicine. It's been about a month and I don't feel as though I am progressing. I thought I was doing okay but the depression is just too much. I have been so irritable, uninterested, and low feeling. It's not me. The times that I do feel happy seem to be the maximum of happiness I feel like I can reach when in all reality thats the minimum level of happiness I should feel every day. But I don't feel that. I want to be happy again. Medicine is not a weakness. It's an aid in helping me. I realize that this is something that is chemically wrong. It's not me. I'm not at fault for this. It's just God's plan for me.

So Wednesday I am going to talk to my counselor about going on a low dosage of an anti depressant. I need it. This is just too much for me not to have something. I will not go back on Cymbalta. The withdrawal is way too tough to deal with and I don't want to feel that I am dependent on the medicine. I want to feel as though its an aid in helping me through each day. Some people need it and I am one of those people.

The Little Things.

Well, I am 100% off my anti-depressant and have never felt better! The TERRIBLE physical side effects are gone which is so nice but I feel like I could cry over anything. I tear up over anything, but I can handle being a little over emotional :)

Well Brian and I have officially been dating for 4 months today. counting the months seems so childish but oh well. He's been gone for 3 of those months and I really have NO idea how I am doing this right now. I am such a quality time person and ALL about spending time with my boyfriend and seeing him every day. ....well, thats just what I've been used to. All of my boyfriends/guys ive dated have been from Centerville or close proximity to the area. This time is so different. Not only is he on the other side of the world right now, 7 hours ahead of me, we still don't get to be together because hes stationed out in California. We really don't get to see each other and right now we hardly get to talk. Yes, long distance relationships are tough, but when they get tough and seem so hard, think about what other people are going through because of their significant other's job. I know I sure think of the couples going through a whole hell of a more difficult time than I am. I've chosen this though. I knew it'd be hard but I know he is worth it. Hell, what crazy person decides to get into a relationship with someone a month before they deploy overseas?! ...the same crazy person who bought a plane ticket and flew across the country to see that someone. :) Just be grateful for being able to text your significant other, talk on the phone without the call being dropped, not having to fight insane time differences or even just having the possibility to see them, because there are some of us who don't even get that.

Be grateful for the little things. thats what this relationship is teaching me and it's what I've needed to be taught. My generation takes SO much for granted and is very self-centered. We are stubborn and don't want to back down or compromise. Hell, look at facebook, its a site ALL about YOU. "what's on YOUR mind?" you get to post a picture of yourself...just another reason for us to stand in front of mirrors and take pictures of ourselves. I'm guilty of this selfishness too, I'm not saying I'm not, but what I am is aware of it.

It's Been Far Too Long.

So this post is way over due. I don't even know where to begin. There have been so many things that have gone one that I've found myself saying "that'd be really good to blog about" but never get around to it. Things such as the following...

Apologies will come in time if they are truly deserved.
I had two people sincerely apologize to me for the way they had treated me. Both I was not expecting what so ever. I was made sure that they knew I had done nothing that they had acted out of line. It was comforting. Comforting to know that I had been handling myself correctly. I don't want to go into too much detail about the situations out of respect for these two people. But I will say this too. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before you just don't really believe it anymore. This is the case for one of these people. Actions speak louder than words my friend.

It's 2010, you can have friends you don't know.
Thanks to social networking (facebook mainly) we are able to join groups, causes and fan pages with people from all around the world. We instantly have something in common with these people. That site/page. I joined a US Navy Girlfriends group on Facebook after Brian deployed. These women are amazing. We are all going through similar situations. Some of the sailors are off at school, boot camp, or deployment while others are just stationed far from home. No one really understands what it is like to have a significant other in the service unless you've been through it. These girls know what "underway" and "duty" means. We can post that he hate when our man is on duty and get 10 other girls who "like" our post who know exactly what we mean. I've never met these girls and probably never will, but we have a bond that only we understand.

Now for the real reason behind this post. To anyone who is reading and does not know... I suffer from depression. It runs in my family and has been overlooked for years. I myself overlooked it for a long time. I felt as though admitting to it was weak. I thought I could fight it myself. Well, I did for a long time until it got to be just too much. A year ago I went on Cymbalta and that seemed to help. I have recently decided I want off the medicine. I feel like I've given into the depression and let it win by resorting to the medicine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but the only way I can find out is by trying to come off of it. Now heres what I am going through...

I feel like hell. I feel sort of a constant motion sickness and get this weird feeling in my brain. It doesn't hurt just is really annoying. I can hear it though. I can't even describe it. Some people have described it as "brain shutters" or "brain shivers". I was taking one 30 mg pill every other day last week. I was a mess. I threw up multiple times one day and just felt like death. So I went to see my Dr. about going on another pill that has less severe withdrawal. She prescribed me Prozac. This was right before my trip to Tennessee with Brian's mom and sister so I decided to hold off on changing meds until after the weekend. I ran out of time to fill my prescription monday and decided that I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna stop it here. The thing about Cymbalta is that it has a half life of 12 hours... so when I would take it every other day my body would go into shock. So no more medicine.

Today is the fourth day I have gone without it. I can't say that I feel good but I can't say that I feel absolutely miserable. I did throw up today after seeing my dog throw up my hair ties she decided to eat. My stomach is just a little more sensitive right now. I feel like I am eating EVERYTHING which most likely is a problem too. For a year my appetite had been suppressed. So not only am I feeling physical craziness I'm seriously an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel like crying out of no where. Then when I do cry I just can't stop. I haven't even really let myself cry about Brian being gone. I probably chose the worst possible time EVER to try to come off this, but if I can make it through right now, I can make it through everything.

So I apologize to anyone whom I have snapped at or canceled plans on. Things are just so insane for me right now. I hope you understand. and please, keep me in your prayers while i through this extremely difficult transition right now.