So I had my first counseling appointment yesterday in a while, and man, it was nice to be reassured that I am doing really well in the different aspects in my life and that I am indeed not crazy.
I have been on a roller coaster ride of extremes the past few weeks. Either of extreme happiness or extreme anger and sadness. I have been blamed and made to feel guilty for things that I have absolutely no control over and I have been made to feel that I am completely irreplaceable. There has been no content, just one or the other. It's exhausting. I am exhausted emotionally.
There are less than 3 weeks left until graduation and its so bittersweet. I remember this feeling in high school. I was so happy to start something new, yet at the same time not ready to leave my comfort zone of CHS. Now this is a bigger departure from my comfort zone, not only am I leaving a university I have spent the past 2 1/2 years at, but I am going to be done with my education (until I decide if I am going to get my masters). I enter the "real world" of paying bills, buying groceries and every other duty that comes along with this initiation.
There are a lot of emotions with this move to California too. I have been in the same bedroom, with the same four walls for 15 years. Its another comfort zone. In college, my room has most definitely been my zone. Everything I need is there and its where I spend most of my time at home. I have pictures every where and memories of my childhood all around me. In just a month I will have to pack all of that up and move it. I know nothing besides Centerville and my parents house. I know I need to go, start a life for myself, and for once, really focus on myself, but its still so scary yet so exciting.
Every day is a constant battle in my head. "Katie, get up, go shower and get things done today". "Okay, Katie, you need to get up to get ready for work" "Katie you have got to get this homework done". What goes on in my mind people can't obviously see. But just because I am back on meds, doesn't mean I am cured. Depression is something SO much more than that. After a couple years of counseling and work, I have created this sort of discipline in my head to get up out of bed and do things.
So here I sit, in between one of the few classes I have left of my college career. I better study for a test I have in a couple of hours. Can't wait for some sunshine.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
USA.
I am overwhelmed with emotion right now!!! History has been made... Osama Bin Ladin has been put to justice and that justice is death. Thousands of people have died because of this man and I hope that his death brings some type of relief for those who survive. I had chills all last night while watching the news. I have not seen such American pride since September 11, 2001. I hope this event lifts the spirits of Americans who have seemed to think that this war is going no where and has been a waste. We have taken down Suddam Hussein and Osama Bin Ladin. You don't mess with the United States of America. I could not be more proud to be an American right now. I don't care if you believe in the death penalty or not, be proud to be an American right now.
While we take in this overwhelming excitement of history being made, we have to remember that the war on terror is not over yet. It is likely that Al Qaeda will retaliate. So prayers to our troops who are defending us in the Middle East and all over the world.
While we take in this overwhelming excitement of history being made, we have to remember that the war on terror is not over yet. It is likely that Al Qaeda will retaliate. So prayers to our troops who are defending us in the Middle East and all over the world.
Friday, January 7, 2011
A week In.
Well, here we are, a week into January. A crazy week it was. School started back up and after a six week break it was SO tough getting back into school mode. Homework, studying, going to class, its an adjustment! I really have to stay focused these next two quarters. They are my last and I have to put everything I have into them because there is no more time to fix any mistakes. I am super exhausted from this week so tonight is my night off. I have some work for my internship to do tomorrow as well as work at Carrabba's all weekend.
Brian's homecoming is quickly approaching. We have our cabin booked for our weekend away and I can't wait for him to be home. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster for us as a couple and for us as individuals. There have been bumps in the road that we needed to be there for one another and we have had to learn how to do that on the other side of the world. There have been nights I have just curled up in a ball and squeezed myself wishing his arms were around me. I play the image of him walking towards me at the airport over and over and still have no idea how I am going to react or feel. I am not but a few weeks away and cannot believe it is so close. I have been waiting for 6 months to be at this point and just cannot wait to have him back in town. Get to go to dinner, cuddle and watch movies or just be able to call him.
I talked to my counselor about upping my dose of meds. I am currently on 10 mg but I think I am going to go up to 20 during the winter months and probably just through the next 6 months until graduation. There is just a lot going on and a lot that is going to be going on. My counselor said it wouldn't be a bad idea so I am going to call the doctor this coming week about it.
2011 is going to be great. I will not settle for anything less.
Brian's homecoming is quickly approaching. We have our cabin booked for our weekend away and I can't wait for him to be home. The past 6 months have been a roller coaster for us as a couple and for us as individuals. There have been bumps in the road that we needed to be there for one another and we have had to learn how to do that on the other side of the world. There have been nights I have just curled up in a ball and squeezed myself wishing his arms were around me. I play the image of him walking towards me at the airport over and over and still have no idea how I am going to react or feel. I am not but a few weeks away and cannot believe it is so close. I have been waiting for 6 months to be at this point and just cannot wait to have him back in town. Get to go to dinner, cuddle and watch movies or just be able to call him.
I talked to my counselor about upping my dose of meds. I am currently on 10 mg but I think I am going to go up to 20 during the winter months and probably just through the next 6 months until graduation. There is just a lot going on and a lot that is going to be going on. My counselor said it wouldn't be a bad idea so I am going to call the doctor this coming week about it.
2011 is going to be great. I will not settle for anything less.
Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 Tribute.
As I sit here in my bed and stare at the computer screen the thought "where do I even begin?" runs through my mind as I attempt to reflect back on the year 2010. So I guess I'll start with where I was a year ago...
A year ago today I was in a deteriorating relationship that I was holding on for no reason except for it was all I knew. I knew it was time for it to end and for me to move on to something new but I was too attached...for many reasons. We were technically broken up for the holidays but on New Years Eve 2009, we decided we'd try to work this out. Not but a month later we were over. He was too focused on his own personal goals while I was willing to give 100% and more to fixing the relationship. When one person gives and another cannot or is not willing to, the relationship is not a happy one. So at the end of January, a 2 year relationship with a guy I was set on marrying ended.
Now yes. I knew it was the BEST thing. I knew it was the RIGHT thing...but the tears still fell. ohhhh did they fall. But I had the BEST friends in the world to dry them off and pick me up. My friend Ryan was unbelievable at the time. No matter what the hour, morning, day or night, he'd answer my call and listen to my as I would sob. A break up is a form of loss. It is okay to grieve but there comes a time when you have to pick yourself back up and live your life for YOU. Through the wonderful help, hugs and positive energy of my wonderful friends (you all know exactly who you are), I picked myself up rather quickly and moved on with my life. I have never been happier.
As my personal love life felt as if it had been flipped turned upside down the real world didn't stop. I still had classes to attend and tables to serve. That winter quarter I pulled off straight A's. The best quarter of college I have had to date. I was seeing I had removed a lot of negative energy from my life. I told myself "2010 is about ME. I am going to focus on finishing school strong, making money and having fun with friends and family. i am not going to throw myself into another relationship. It is time for me." ..Well, we all know that was slightly unsuccessful. haha. I even went and got a tattoo that I had been wanting!
My 21st birthday quickly approached and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday celebration. All of my friends made it out that night and well, to put it bluntly, I was carried out of the bar. Success.
As I was strengthening all my friendships and making new ones, a new man entered my life a big unexpectedly. Needless to say, it was the best thing to ever happen. Brian is amazing. He somehow says all the right things, knows how to get me to smile and really loves me for me. I visited him out in California after we hit it off at my birthday and well the connection was really undeniable. So we figured we would give it a shot. Our relationship is a long distance relationship. But we are making it work wonderfully thanks to Skype and Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg and the inventor of Skype!
My nephew turned THREE this year. I have no idea where three years went but that little baby is not a little baby anymore! He is becoming a little man and is just the cutest ever. He knows so much and it amazes me to see the things he does and hear the things he says. He is going to be a big brother in June :)
2010 was a tough year. My sister had a miscarriage, Brian lost a friend overseas, and now I see my younger sister going through the same heartbreak I did a year ago. I hope 2011 brings her the same joy that I have found. I tried coming off my antidepressant this year just to find out I really do need them. Which is okay. I am at peace with that. I still see a counselor fairly regularly and she is really helping me through a lot. I have a lot of personal insecurities I am dealing with. So thank you 2010 for making me a stronger person, for helping me realize my true friends and for bringing an amazing man into my life. But to be honest 2010, I can't wait for you to be over!
Now, I know I couldn't include EVERYTHING that happened this year in this post, so leave a memory we had together during 2010 either as a comment on facebook or as a comment on here :)
BRIAN AND I BEFORE HE LEFT TO GO BACK TO SAN DIEGO BEFORE GOING ON DEPLOYMENT
LEGALLY BUYING ALCOHOL :)
THE LITTLE BOY WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW SPECIAL HE IS <3
WE USED TO SHARE FRUIT SNACKS, NOW WE SHARE COCKTAILS
THE BEST FRIENDS A GIRL COULD AS FOR
FAM[ILY]
NOTHING COMES BETWEEN US.
MY COUSIN KELSEY AND I TAKING A LITTLE BEER SHOT IN HONOR OF MY AUNT GINA, HER MOM.
A year ago today I was in a deteriorating relationship that I was holding on for no reason except for it was all I knew. I knew it was time for it to end and for me to move on to something new but I was too attached...for many reasons. We were technically broken up for the holidays but on New Years Eve 2009, we decided we'd try to work this out. Not but a month later we were over. He was too focused on his own personal goals while I was willing to give 100% and more to fixing the relationship. When one person gives and another cannot or is not willing to, the relationship is not a happy one. So at the end of January, a 2 year relationship with a guy I was set on marrying ended.
Now yes. I knew it was the BEST thing. I knew it was the RIGHT thing...but the tears still fell. ohhhh did they fall. But I had the BEST friends in the world to dry them off and pick me up. My friend Ryan was unbelievable at the time. No matter what the hour, morning, day or night, he'd answer my call and listen to my as I would sob. A break up is a form of loss. It is okay to grieve but there comes a time when you have to pick yourself back up and live your life for YOU. Through the wonderful help, hugs and positive energy of my wonderful friends (you all know exactly who you are), I picked myself up rather quickly and moved on with my life. I have never been happier.
As my personal love life felt as if it had been flipped turned upside down the real world didn't stop. I still had classes to attend and tables to serve. That winter quarter I pulled off straight A's. The best quarter of college I have had to date. I was seeing I had removed a lot of negative energy from my life. I told myself "2010 is about ME. I am going to focus on finishing school strong, making money and having fun with friends and family. i am not going to throw myself into another relationship. It is time for me." ..Well, we all know that was slightly unsuccessful. haha. I even went and got a tattoo that I had been wanting!
My 21st birthday quickly approached and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect birthday celebration. All of my friends made it out that night and well, to put it bluntly, I was carried out of the bar. Success.
As I was strengthening all my friendships and making new ones, a new man entered my life a big unexpectedly. Needless to say, it was the best thing to ever happen. Brian is amazing. He somehow says all the right things, knows how to get me to smile and really loves me for me. I visited him out in California after we hit it off at my birthday and well the connection was really undeniable. So we figured we would give it a shot. Our relationship is a long distance relationship. But we are making it work wonderfully thanks to Skype and Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg and the inventor of Skype!
My nephew turned THREE this year. I have no idea where three years went but that little baby is not a little baby anymore! He is becoming a little man and is just the cutest ever. He knows so much and it amazes me to see the things he does and hear the things he says. He is going to be a big brother in June :)
2010 was a tough year. My sister had a miscarriage, Brian lost a friend overseas, and now I see my younger sister going through the same heartbreak I did a year ago. I hope 2011 brings her the same joy that I have found. I tried coming off my antidepressant this year just to find out I really do need them. Which is okay. I am at peace with that. I still see a counselor fairly regularly and she is really helping me through a lot. I have a lot of personal insecurities I am dealing with. So thank you 2010 for making me a stronger person, for helping me realize my true friends and for bringing an amazing man into my life. But to be honest 2010, I can't wait for you to be over!
Now, I know I couldn't include EVERYTHING that happened this year in this post, so leave a memory we had together during 2010 either as a comment on facebook or as a comment on here :)
BRIAN AND I BEFORE HE LEFT TO GO BACK TO SAN DIEGO BEFORE GOING ON DEPLOYMENT
LEGALLY BUYING ALCOHOL :)
THE LITTLE BOY WHO HAS NO IDEA HOW SPECIAL HE IS <3
WE USED TO SHARE FRUIT SNACKS, NOW WE SHARE COCKTAILS
THE BEST FRIENDS A GIRL COULD AS FOR
FAM[ILY]
NOTHING COMES BETWEEN US.
MY COUSIN KELSEY AND I TAKING A LITTLE BEER SHOT IN HONOR OF MY AUNT GINA, HER MOM.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Decade.
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt.
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
You are one strong woman with a big smile.
You tell me the right thing and you are encouraging.
You treat me and others wit love and are always happy.
To me I think you are helpful.
Your hazel eyes make me comfortable
You love to be with family.
You listen to me; you give me strength.
Whenever I see Precious Moments statues I think of you
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
I wrote this poem 10 years ago in 6th grade as an assignment. I read it to my Aunt Gina, in person, the night before she passed away. It ended up on the back of the program for her funeral as well. I don't know where the original copy is, but I do have a copy of the program,
I remember her room being on the left side of the hallway from where we came in. The room was filled with people who loved her and that she loved back. After I read it to her, we hung it on the wall by her bed and hugged her. As the image of my aunt replays in my head, she looks so frail. Thats not the woman I knew growing up. She was one of the strongest people I knew. Her smile lit up her face. So many memories have ran through my head today. So many I hold near and dear to my heart.
So here we are, 10 years later. My cousin Kelsey is coming up from Texas for Christmas this year. Kelsey has that exact strength that her mom had. I admire her for what she has been through and how she has kept herself together. She has such a big heart just like her mom and her smile lights up her face. Megan is a spitting image of her mom. the curls and the freckles. Megan is one of the sweetest and most genuine young ladies I know. She has been a lover since she was born. And unfortunately I don't know Paige the same way I know the other two girls but I am sure many of her mom's qualities are shining through as she grows up.
I love and miss you Aunt Gina. Your picture hangs on my mirror, I see you every day. Your Precious Moments statue sits on my night stand and I look at that every day. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. I will never understand why God took you so soon from us. But if I can guess why, its because He wanted His best angels by His side and you are definitely among His best.
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
You are one strong woman with a big smile.
You tell me the right thing and you are encouraging.
You treat me and others wit love and are always happy.
To me I think you are helpful.
Your hazel eyes make me comfortable
You love to be with family.
You listen to me; you give me strength.
Whenever I see Precious Moments statues I think of you
This is a poem to Gina, my Aunt
Whom I believe is strong and optimistic.
I wrote this poem 10 years ago in 6th grade as an assignment. I read it to my Aunt Gina, in person, the night before she passed away. It ended up on the back of the program for her funeral as well. I don't know where the original copy is, but I do have a copy of the program,
I remember her room being on the left side of the hallway from where we came in. The room was filled with people who loved her and that she loved back. After I read it to her, we hung it on the wall by her bed and hugged her. As the image of my aunt replays in my head, she looks so frail. Thats not the woman I knew growing up. She was one of the strongest people I knew. Her smile lit up her face. So many memories have ran through my head today. So many I hold near and dear to my heart.
So here we are, 10 years later. My cousin Kelsey is coming up from Texas for Christmas this year. Kelsey has that exact strength that her mom had. I admire her for what she has been through and how she has kept herself together. She has such a big heart just like her mom and her smile lights up her face. Megan is a spitting image of her mom. the curls and the freckles. Megan is one of the sweetest and most genuine young ladies I know. She has been a lover since she was born. And unfortunately I don't know Paige the same way I know the other two girls but I am sure many of her mom's qualities are shining through as she grows up.
I love and miss you Aunt Gina. Your picture hangs on my mirror, I see you every day. Your Precious Moments statue sits on my night stand and I look at that every day. There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about you. I will never understand why God took you so soon from us. But if I can guess why, its because He wanted His best angels by His side and you are definitely among His best.
Monday, November 29, 2010
1 month!
alright. So I go in Friday for my 1 month check up on my new medicine. I can't believe its been a month since I started this whole process of getting back on my feet.
I've still been feeling slightly disinterested and lethargic but I know that this is definitely not an over night process. But I'm feeling better. I can feel the improvements. Yawning is a weird yet very evident side effect of this medicine. My dr said something about it and I just kind of shrugged it off like "ha okay". but omgosh, I can't turn off the yawns!
Grandma is here visiting. I absolutely love having her here. She is 87 and still sharp as a nail. (is that the expression?) haha Since I am out of school I've just been helping get her to the dr, out to lunch and up and down the stairs. We keep each other company. It is os nice having her around because we keep each other company. We'd be sitting around alone all day otherwise.
Trying to get into the holiday spirit. I can't believe its Christmas season already. Its just so crazy how fast this year has gone by. So much has happened. I'll blog about that closer to new years :)
I've still been feeling slightly disinterested and lethargic but I know that this is definitely not an over night process. But I'm feeling better. I can feel the improvements. Yawning is a weird yet very evident side effect of this medicine. My dr said something about it and I just kind of shrugged it off like "ha okay". but omgosh, I can't turn off the yawns!
Grandma is here visiting. I absolutely love having her here. She is 87 and still sharp as a nail. (is that the expression?) haha Since I am out of school I've just been helping get her to the dr, out to lunch and up and down the stairs. We keep each other company. It is os nice having her around because we keep each other company. We'd be sitting around alone all day otherwise.
Trying to get into the holiday spirit. I can't believe its Christmas season already. Its just so crazy how fast this year has gone by. So much has happened. I'll blog about that closer to new years :)
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
just a little rant.
I dont know what it is but I am just not feeling it the past few days. Maybe its the adjustment to the busy life I was living before break and not knowing how to handle this down time I have or what. Maybe its because I was so busy before between work, homework, school and life that I just want to lay around and do nothing. have nothing to worry about. I just feel exhausted and would love to just lay around for a day. But I can't. Then people get on my case about "whats wrong?" "did I do something?" NO! you didn't. Can I not just be left alone?! I can't seem to catch a break. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong or not doing something good enough. I will never live up to my parents expectations and thats okay, I've accepted that. I'm a lousy Communications major but thats what I like and enjoy and well, my happiness is what matters. This is one of the many reasons why I am in counseling. I don't feel good enough. I don't feel like what I am doing is good enough. Someone is always doing something better and more "honorable" than I am. I am the middle child and as many other middle children out there would probably agree, we tend to slip into the shadows and learn to accept it. Just how life goes I guess. So its hard for me to accept when someone, like Brian, makes me a big deal, makes what I do a big deal, and etc. I get so modest about it and don't really know how to accept compliments well.
Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.
thats enough ranting.
Because I feel like all what I am doing is not good enough, I'm pretty tough on myself. Looks like I am getting all B's this quarter and I am so mad at myself. Dean's list is my little paper of pride. My grades are the only sliver of glory I really have. I'm not doing anything exciting or better for the community or college I attend. I just work my little serving job and go to the local university that really no one knows about unless they are from around here.
thats enough ranting.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
busy. busy. busy.
so its been a few days. But the past couple days have been a bit tough. Stuck in that slump. I hate rainy days.
I've finally been able to sleep through the nights so now I am sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. My counselor told me I need to listen to my body more. (not the first time I have heard this) She said that there is a reason why I am tired and that I want to sleep. I constantly go. I always have something to do and when I don't, I'm thinking of what needs to be done. But I've caught up on my sleep and am feeling pretty good today considering its super gloomy and cold out.
Grandma comes into town Saturday Really looking forward to having her in town :) Too bad my weekend is full of work. work for my internship and of course serving tables work. Super busy this weekend but I'm hoping next week slows down a bit.
School is done though. Such a relief to not have to worry about classes. :) only 2 quarters away from graduating!!
I've finally been able to sleep through the nights so now I am sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. My counselor told me I need to listen to my body more. (not the first time I have heard this) She said that there is a reason why I am tired and that I want to sleep. I constantly go. I always have something to do and when I don't, I'm thinking of what needs to be done. But I've caught up on my sleep and am feeling pretty good today considering its super gloomy and cold out.
Grandma comes into town Saturday Really looking forward to having her in town :) Too bad my weekend is full of work. work for my internship and of course serving tables work. Super busy this weekend but I'm hoping next week slows down a bit.
School is done though. Such a relief to not have to worry about classes. :) only 2 quarters away from graduating!!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Days 5 and 6.
Yawning. ...a strange but very evident side effect of this medicine. haha I've never heard of such a thing but I am totally noticing that I am yawning all the damn time! I'll take it though. The yawning is totally worth it.
Been feeling pretty good though this weekend. Things are starting to have meaning again and I actually look forward to upcoming events. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Just a week ago, I didn't think such. I felt that there was no getting out of this. I wasn't going to get better. There was no hope for me. I was stuck in this trap and there was no getting out of it. I felt hopeless and ultimately worthless. These feelings resulted in me laying in bed all the time, snapping at everyone and totally isolating myself from anyone who mattered and even from those who did not. I'm so happy to know that I am coming out of this strong. I have control over this and I have taken that control to its fullest. Medicine is not a weakness, its an aid. Don't be afraid to resort to it if it means getting your life back. You've been given this one life and it should not be lived the way that anyone who suffers from untreated depression lives. You deserve that chance to smile, laugh and see the light in everything that surrounds you.
yay for the cowboys finally winning a game :)
Been feeling pretty good though this weekend. Things are starting to have meaning again and I actually look forward to upcoming events. There is light at the end of this tunnel. Just a week ago, I didn't think such. I felt that there was no getting out of this. I wasn't going to get better. There was no hope for me. I was stuck in this trap and there was no getting out of it. I felt hopeless and ultimately worthless. These feelings resulted in me laying in bed all the time, snapping at everyone and totally isolating myself from anyone who mattered and even from those who did not. I'm so happy to know that I am coming out of this strong. I have control over this and I have taken that control to its fullest. Medicine is not a weakness, its an aid. Don't be afraid to resort to it if it means getting your life back. You've been given this one life and it should not be lived the way that anyone who suffers from untreated depression lives. You deserve that chance to smile, laugh and see the light in everything that surrounds you.
yay for the cowboys finally winning a game :)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Day 4.
Today was GREAT! finally! a genuinely good day! I got a pretty good night's sleep. My neck has been bothering me all week, been having the same pain I had after my accident :/ luckily I have a chiropractor appointment in the morning to get it taken care of! my chiropractor is probably the best doctor to happen to me!
Had coffee with a friend this morning with the goal of writing a paper. HA. we ended up Skyping Brian instead! :)
Apps and drinks with another friend tonight and a movie date with her as well! Morning Glory is a must see! sooo funny! It was nice to laugh and catch up with both friends today, and even Brian. I haven't laughed like I did today in a while and it was liberating. I know I'm fixing this and getting my life back! This part before the medicine is really mind over matter. I know the meds aren't kicking in right now, but just the fact that I know I am taking the steps necessary to fixing this. I'm on top of this.
So to anyone reading this right now. Thank you for reading. I have had a few people contact me thanking me for posting what I am going through. It's nice to know people can relate and that my postings are helping them in some way :)
Had coffee with a friend this morning with the goal of writing a paper. HA. we ended up Skyping Brian instead! :)
Apps and drinks with another friend tonight and a movie date with her as well! Morning Glory is a must see! sooo funny! It was nice to laugh and catch up with both friends today, and even Brian. I haven't laughed like I did today in a while and it was liberating. I know I'm fixing this and getting my life back! This part before the medicine is really mind over matter. I know the meds aren't kicking in right now, but just the fact that I know I am taking the steps necessary to fixing this. I'm on top of this.
So to anyone reading this right now. Thank you for reading. I have had a few people contact me thanking me for posting what I am going through. It's nice to know people can relate and that my postings are helping them in some way :)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Day 3.
Well here is day three. No major improvements, yet no regression either.
Tuesday was my last day of classes. I only have a few assignments and 2 finals before I am DONE DONE DONE for the quarter. ..and believe me, I am so ready for break. Although, this break isn't going to be much of a break! Im going to be working as much as I can to save that money and be able to afford Christmas presents! haha Im getting my top wisdom teeth out December 6th so I'll be down a few days. Grandma is coming up from Georgia for Thanksgiving and staying with us through the new year!! :) AAAAND my cousin Kelsey is going to be coming up for Christmas. I haven't seen her since I graduated high school in 2007. I am sooo looking forward to seeing her. Its been way too long! So the holidays should be really good this year :)
I got the clear from my GI doctor to be on an "as needed" basis with her. I can't believe its already been a year since I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. time sure is flying by! A lot has happened this past year and well, I should have carried a video camera around with me and posted it on youtube... it totally would have been the next "big thing". ;)
Alright well, time to relax before going to work. I've worked on my training plan all day for school because I haven't been able to focus enough on it. So I forced myself to finish it and guess what! its done :) Just gonna look over it all tomorrow and then hopefully submit it and thats one less thing i have to worry about!
ps. thank you veterans and all who are currently serving this country :) its because of you that we get to live the life we do!
Tuesday was my last day of classes. I only have a few assignments and 2 finals before I am DONE DONE DONE for the quarter. ..and believe me, I am so ready for break. Although, this break isn't going to be much of a break! Im going to be working as much as I can to save that money and be able to afford Christmas presents! haha Im getting my top wisdom teeth out December 6th so I'll be down a few days. Grandma is coming up from Georgia for Thanksgiving and staying with us through the new year!! :) AAAAND my cousin Kelsey is going to be coming up for Christmas. I haven't seen her since I graduated high school in 2007. I am sooo looking forward to seeing her. Its been way too long! So the holidays should be really good this year :)
I got the clear from my GI doctor to be on an "as needed" basis with her. I can't believe its already been a year since I was hospitalized with pancreatitis. time sure is flying by! A lot has happened this past year and well, I should have carried a video camera around with me and posted it on youtube... it totally would have been the next "big thing". ;)
Alright well, time to relax before going to work. I've worked on my training plan all day for school because I haven't been able to focus enough on it. So I forced myself to finish it and guess what! its done :) Just gonna look over it all tomorrow and then hopefully submit it and thats one less thing i have to worry about!
ps. thank you veterans and all who are currently serving this country :) its because of you that we get to live the life we do!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Day 2. Sleep.
This whole time change thing always screws me up! I was exhausted by 830 last night! pathetic I know. I forced myself to stay up and watch dancing with the stars then passed out. Finally getting better sleep. For so long I had been waking up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. "I have to do this" "I need to have this done by this time" "uhhh did I get that done?" I'd feel so anxious then not be able to go back to sleep worth the life of me. I still woke up and found myself having racing thoughts last night, but I'm determined to be stronger than this and I forced myself to go back to sleep.
My doctor said a side effect of this medicine can yawning. Even without feeling tired. Definitely experiencing some of that today. or maybe I'm tired?
My doctor said a side effect of this medicine can yawning. Even without feeling tired. Definitely experiencing some of that today. or maybe I'm tired?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day 1.
Alright, I took the first pill of the Lexapro this morning before heading to class. Of course I'm not going to feel any improvement today but it does feel good to know I'm fixing this. Still feeling super tired. I could take a nice long nap right now if it were up to me. But no, I am forcing myself to stay at school and work on things until my Yoga final. Yes, we have a yoga final. Then I have a short break and am going to go drop something off to a friend who has been waiting for it for ever then back to school for one of the classes i despise the most...counseling. I just don't know anyone in the class. I'm taking it as an elective and basically everyone else needs it because they are rehab majors. The prof is super boring and I really can't stand to hear her talk. If we didn't meet only one time a week, and it wasn't the last class before the final, I wouldn't go. (ugh thats the lack of motivation talking).
Well, time to work on my training plan for my online consulting class.
I got this.
Well, time to work on my training plan for my online consulting class.
I got this.
Monday, November 8, 2010
This Little Light of Mine.
Depression is quite possibly the worst thing for a person to go through. It is a battle from inside. It is almost like a demon has come inside and taken all of what you live for. That special light that lies within each human being is taken from you. And for no reason at all. I have had NO drive to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. That light, that spark has just been taken from me.
Tomorrow is the beginning of something great for me. I have been given a new anti depressant, Lexapro, to start taking. I originally came off of the meds for the wrong reasons, but am realizing it has helped me realize this is something way deeper and stronger than a mind over matter issue. I have realized though that Cymbalta is not a good anti depressant for me. It worked while I was on it, but as for coming off of it, there is no way I am going to do that to myself again. I have put myself through enough and my body, mind and spirit deserve some good; which is what I am hoping to get from this new medicine.
Most importantly, I have put the people who matter the most to me through enough. To my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend, I am truly sorry for my insanity the past month. I' have not been myself at all. I am anxious to get my life back. Thank you for sticking with me. Especially Brian, you are who I have probably been the toughest on and I hate what this has put us through. But we are stronger than this dumb depression and we are stronger than deployment. You'll be home soon enough and we will be given our, much deserved, time to be together. I love you. and I love all of my friends for being so wonderful and I love my family for being so understanding.
As of tomorrow, I start over. Everything from this past month is put behind me. I am looking at all of this differently. The medicine won't take action immediately, but I am not going to sit around and wait anymore. This is in my hands. It has been the whole time but I haven't had the drive or the interest in fixing myself. The only reason why I got that extra push to get a hold of all of this is because I went through all of this before. I realized what this was and what it was doing. So if you are the praying type, please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks as I get a hold of my life again. I feel confident and comfortable going back on medicine. I needed to know that this was something that was indeed a biological chemical imbalance and not just due to the negative energy in my life at the time I originally decided to start medication.
"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"
Tomorrow is the beginning of something great for me. I have been given a new anti depressant, Lexapro, to start taking. I originally came off of the meds for the wrong reasons, but am realizing it has helped me realize this is something way deeper and stronger than a mind over matter issue. I have realized though that Cymbalta is not a good anti depressant for me. It worked while I was on it, but as for coming off of it, there is no way I am going to do that to myself again. I have put myself through enough and my body, mind and spirit deserve some good; which is what I am hoping to get from this new medicine.
Most importantly, I have put the people who matter the most to me through enough. To my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend, I am truly sorry for my insanity the past month. I' have not been myself at all. I am anxious to get my life back. Thank you for sticking with me. Especially Brian, you are who I have probably been the toughest on and I hate what this has put us through. But we are stronger than this dumb depression and we are stronger than deployment. You'll be home soon enough and we will be given our, much deserved, time to be together. I love you. and I love all of my friends for being so wonderful and I love my family for being so understanding.
As of tomorrow, I start over. Everything from this past month is put behind me. I am looking at all of this differently. The medicine won't take action immediately, but I am not going to sit around and wait anymore. This is in my hands. It has been the whole time but I haven't had the drive or the interest in fixing myself. The only reason why I got that extra push to get a hold of all of this is because I went through all of this before. I realized what this was and what it was doing. So if you are the praying type, please keep me in your prayers the next couple of weeks as I get a hold of my life again. I feel confident and comfortable going back on medicine. I needed to know that this was something that was indeed a biological chemical imbalance and not just due to the negative energy in my life at the time I originally decided to start medication.
"This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine"
Monday, November 1, 2010
Giving in.
I can't do this without medicine. It's been about a month and I don't feel as though I am progressing. I thought I was doing okay but the depression is just too much. I have been so irritable, uninterested, and low feeling. It's not me. The times that I do feel happy seem to be the maximum of happiness I feel like I can reach when in all reality thats the minimum level of happiness I should feel every day. But I don't feel that. I want to be happy again. Medicine is not a weakness. It's an aid in helping me. I realize that this is something that is chemically wrong. It's not me. I'm not at fault for this. It's just God's plan for me.
So Wednesday I am going to talk to my counselor about going on a low dosage of an anti depressant. I need it. This is just too much for me not to have something. I will not go back on Cymbalta. The withdrawal is way too tough to deal with and I don't want to feel that I am dependent on the medicine. I want to feel as though its an aid in helping me through each day. Some people need it and I am one of those people.
So Wednesday I am going to talk to my counselor about going on a low dosage of an anti depressant. I need it. This is just too much for me not to have something. I will not go back on Cymbalta. The withdrawal is way too tough to deal with and I don't want to feel that I am dependent on the medicine. I want to feel as though its an aid in helping me through each day. Some people need it and I am one of those people.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Little Things.
Well, I am 100% off my anti-depressant and have never felt better! The TERRIBLE physical side effects are gone which is so nice but I feel like I could cry over anything. I tear up over anything, but I can handle being a little over emotional :)
Well Brian and I have officially been dating for 4 months today. counting the months seems so childish but oh well. He's been gone for 3 of those months and I really have NO idea how I am doing this right now. I am such a quality time person and ALL about spending time with my boyfriend and seeing him every day. ....well, thats just what I've been used to. All of my boyfriends/guys ive dated have been from Centerville or close proximity to the area. This time is so different. Not only is he on the other side of the world right now, 7 hours ahead of me, we still don't get to be together because hes stationed out in California. We really don't get to see each other and right now we hardly get to talk. Yes, long distance relationships are tough, but when they get tough and seem so hard, think about what other people are going through because of their significant other's job. I know I sure think of the couples going through a whole hell of a more difficult time than I am. I've chosen this though. I knew it'd be hard but I know he is worth it. Hell, what crazy person decides to get into a relationship with someone a month before they deploy overseas?! ...the same crazy person who bought a plane ticket and flew across the country to see that someone. :) Just be grateful for being able to text your significant other, talk on the phone without the call being dropped, not having to fight insane time differences or even just having the possibility to see them, because there are some of us who don't even get that.
Be grateful for the little things. thats what this relationship is teaching me and it's what I've needed to be taught. My generation takes SO much for granted and is very self-centered. We are stubborn and don't want to back down or compromise. Hell, look at facebook, its a site ALL about YOU. "what's on YOUR mind?" you get to post a picture of yourself...just another reason for us to stand in front of mirrors and take pictures of ourselves. I'm guilty of this selfishness too, I'm not saying I'm not, but what I am is aware of it.
Well Brian and I have officially been dating for 4 months today. counting the months seems so childish but oh well. He's been gone for 3 of those months and I really have NO idea how I am doing this right now. I am such a quality time person and ALL about spending time with my boyfriend and seeing him every day. ....well, thats just what I've been used to. All of my boyfriends/guys ive dated have been from Centerville or close proximity to the area. This time is so different. Not only is he on the other side of the world right now, 7 hours ahead of me, we still don't get to be together because hes stationed out in California. We really don't get to see each other and right now we hardly get to talk. Yes, long distance relationships are tough, but when they get tough and seem so hard, think about what other people are going through because of their significant other's job. I know I sure think of the couples going through a whole hell of a more difficult time than I am. I've chosen this though. I knew it'd be hard but I know he is worth it. Hell, what crazy person decides to get into a relationship with someone a month before they deploy overseas?! ...the same crazy person who bought a plane ticket and flew across the country to see that someone. :) Just be grateful for being able to text your significant other, talk on the phone without the call being dropped, not having to fight insane time differences or even just having the possibility to see them, because there are some of us who don't even get that.
Be grateful for the little things. thats what this relationship is teaching me and it's what I've needed to be taught. My generation takes SO much for granted and is very self-centered. We are stubborn and don't want to back down or compromise. Hell, look at facebook, its a site ALL about YOU. "what's on YOUR mind?" you get to post a picture of yourself...just another reason for us to stand in front of mirrors and take pictures of ourselves. I'm guilty of this selfishness too, I'm not saying I'm not, but what I am is aware of it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
It's Been Far Too Long.
So this post is way over due. I don't even know where to begin. There have been so many things that have gone one that I've found myself saying "that'd be really good to blog about" but never get around to it. Things such as the following...
Apologies will come in time if they are truly deserved.
I had two people sincerely apologize to me for the way they had treated me. Both I was not expecting what so ever. I was made sure that they knew I had done nothing that they had acted out of line. It was comforting. Comforting to know that I had been handling myself correctly. I don't want to go into too much detail about the situations out of respect for these two people. But I will say this too. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before you just don't really believe it anymore. This is the case for one of these people. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
It's 2010, you can have friends you don't know.
Thanks to social networking (facebook mainly) we are able to join groups, causes and fan pages with people from all around the world. We instantly have something in common with these people. That site/page. I joined a US Navy Girlfriends group on Facebook after Brian deployed. These women are amazing. We are all going through similar situations. Some of the sailors are off at school, boot camp, or deployment while others are just stationed far from home. No one really understands what it is like to have a significant other in the service unless you've been through it. These girls know what "underway" and "duty" means. We can post that he hate when our man is on duty and get 10 other girls who "like" our post who know exactly what we mean. I've never met these girls and probably never will, but we have a bond that only we understand.
Now for the real reason behind this post. To anyone who is reading and does not know... I suffer from depression. It runs in my family and has been overlooked for years. I myself overlooked it for a long time. I felt as though admitting to it was weak. I thought I could fight it myself. Well, I did for a long time until it got to be just too much. A year ago I went on Cymbalta and that seemed to help. I have recently decided I want off the medicine. I feel like I've given into the depression and let it win by resorting to the medicine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but the only way I can find out is by trying to come off of it. Now heres what I am going through...
I feel like hell. I feel sort of a constant motion sickness and get this weird feeling in my brain. It doesn't hurt just is really annoying. I can hear it though. I can't even describe it. Some people have described it as "brain shutters" or "brain shivers". I was taking one 30 mg pill every other day last week. I was a mess. I threw up multiple times one day and just felt like death. So I went to see my Dr. about going on another pill that has less severe withdrawal. She prescribed me Prozac. This was right before my trip to Tennessee with Brian's mom and sister so I decided to hold off on changing meds until after the weekend. I ran out of time to fill my prescription monday and decided that I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna stop it here. The thing about Cymbalta is that it has a half life of 12 hours... so when I would take it every other day my body would go into shock. So no more medicine.
Today is the fourth day I have gone without it. I can't say that I feel good but I can't say that I feel absolutely miserable. I did throw up today after seeing my dog throw up my hair ties she decided to eat. My stomach is just a little more sensitive right now. I feel like I am eating EVERYTHING which most likely is a problem too. For a year my appetite had been suppressed. So not only am I feeling physical craziness I'm seriously an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel like crying out of no where. Then when I do cry I just can't stop. I haven't even really let myself cry about Brian being gone. I probably chose the worst possible time EVER to try to come off this, but if I can make it through right now, I can make it through everything.
So I apologize to anyone whom I have snapped at or canceled plans on. Things are just so insane for me right now. I hope you understand. and please, keep me in your prayers while i through this extremely difficult transition right now.
Apologies will come in time if they are truly deserved.
I had two people sincerely apologize to me for the way they had treated me. Both I was not expecting what so ever. I was made sure that they knew I had done nothing that they had acted out of line. It was comforting. Comforting to know that I had been handling myself correctly. I don't want to go into too much detail about the situations out of respect for these two people. But I will say this too. You can only say "I'm sorry" so many times before you just don't really believe it anymore. This is the case for one of these people. Actions speak louder than words my friend.
It's 2010, you can have friends you don't know.
Thanks to social networking (facebook mainly) we are able to join groups, causes and fan pages with people from all around the world. We instantly have something in common with these people. That site/page. I joined a US Navy Girlfriends group on Facebook after Brian deployed. These women are amazing. We are all going through similar situations. Some of the sailors are off at school, boot camp, or deployment while others are just stationed far from home. No one really understands what it is like to have a significant other in the service unless you've been through it. These girls know what "underway" and "duty" means. We can post that he hate when our man is on duty and get 10 other girls who "like" our post who know exactly what we mean. I've never met these girls and probably never will, but we have a bond that only we understand.
Now for the real reason behind this post. To anyone who is reading and does not know... I suffer from depression. It runs in my family and has been overlooked for years. I myself overlooked it for a long time. I felt as though admitting to it was weak. I thought I could fight it myself. Well, I did for a long time until it got to be just too much. A year ago I went on Cymbalta and that seemed to help. I have recently decided I want off the medicine. I feel like I've given into the depression and let it win by resorting to the medicine. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't, but the only way I can find out is by trying to come off of it. Now heres what I am going through...
I feel like hell. I feel sort of a constant motion sickness and get this weird feeling in my brain. It doesn't hurt just is really annoying. I can hear it though. I can't even describe it. Some people have described it as "brain shutters" or "brain shivers". I was taking one 30 mg pill every other day last week. I was a mess. I threw up multiple times one day and just felt like death. So I went to see my Dr. about going on another pill that has less severe withdrawal. She prescribed me Prozac. This was right before my trip to Tennessee with Brian's mom and sister so I decided to hold off on changing meds until after the weekend. I ran out of time to fill my prescription monday and decided that I'm gonna do this. I'm just gonna stop it here. The thing about Cymbalta is that it has a half life of 12 hours... so when I would take it every other day my body would go into shock. So no more medicine.
Today is the fourth day I have gone without it. I can't say that I feel good but I can't say that I feel absolutely miserable. I did throw up today after seeing my dog throw up my hair ties she decided to eat. My stomach is just a little more sensitive right now. I feel like I am eating EVERYTHING which most likely is a problem too. For a year my appetite had been suppressed. So not only am I feeling physical craziness I'm seriously an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel like crying out of no where. Then when I do cry I just can't stop. I haven't even really let myself cry about Brian being gone. I probably chose the worst possible time EVER to try to come off this, but if I can make it through right now, I can make it through everything.
So I apologize to anyone whom I have snapped at or canceled plans on. Things are just so insane for me right now. I hope you understand. and please, keep me in your prayers while i through this extremely difficult transition right now.
Monday, July 26, 2010
mixed emotions.
looks like another sleepless night. this is getting frustrating. I just want one good deep sleep. just one. is that so much to ask for!?
Today was the first day (well, yesterday) was the first day I went without talking to brian. its definitely a weird feeling and I won't lie, I don't like it one bit. But thats how it is. I knew what I was getting into when we agreed to be in a relationship... but I never imagined it would affect me this way. If anything, its definitely proving to me how much I really do care about him and how much of a best friend he's becoming. I tell him everything... everything good that happens and everything bad. When my nephew says something funny or someone at work says something bitchy. He knows about it.
I have never been a girl to have really close girl friends. I've always hung out with guys and had just a small handful of close girls to go to. but lately, I've never felt closer to my girlfriends. I have that set of girls I know I can go out with and have a great time. Gossip with. Cry with. Laugh with. Its a great feeling. I am really going to stay committed to these friendships. But whats amazing about the friendships I have with these girls is that I don't have to talk to them every day all day to know they're there for me. another great feeling.
So this blog has mixed emotions. I'm tired a hell. Anxious to talk to Brian. Frustrated with not being able to just sleep. So in love with my boyfriend. and feeling great about the friends in my life right now.
now I am going to go toss and turn until the sun comes up.
Today was the first day (well, yesterday) was the first day I went without talking to brian. its definitely a weird feeling and I won't lie, I don't like it one bit. But thats how it is. I knew what I was getting into when we agreed to be in a relationship... but I never imagined it would affect me this way. If anything, its definitely proving to me how much I really do care about him and how much of a best friend he's becoming. I tell him everything... everything good that happens and everything bad. When my nephew says something funny or someone at work says something bitchy. He knows about it.
I have never been a girl to have really close girl friends. I've always hung out with guys and had just a small handful of close girls to go to. but lately, I've never felt closer to my girlfriends. I have that set of girls I know I can go out with and have a great time. Gossip with. Cry with. Laugh with. Its a great feeling. I am really going to stay committed to these friendships. But whats amazing about the friendships I have with these girls is that I don't have to talk to them every day all day to know they're there for me. another great feeling.
So this blog has mixed emotions. I'm tired a hell. Anxious to talk to Brian. Frustrated with not being able to just sleep. So in love with my boyfriend. and feeling great about the friends in my life right now.
now I am going to go toss and turn until the sun comes up.
Friday, July 16, 2010
The Hills Are Alive.
I hate to do this, but did you see the series finale of the "The Hills"!? If you didn't I'll fill you in. (I promise, there is a really good point to all of this!!)
So Lauren had left the show about a year ago and Kristin, "the bitch", stepped in. So now Kristin was living the life that Lauren once did.. the parties, the drama, the romances and the break ups. Well, the series has now come to an end. The final show was about how everyone was starting to go their separate ways in life. Lo was in a serious relationship and her boyfriend wanted her to move in with him. Stephanie finally found a good guy who really could relate to her and things were looking up there. Audrina moved out of Hollywood and into a house right on the beach just a short drive away. Heidi hasnt been around for a while and there is talk of her and Spencer divorcing. And well, Kristin is trying to figure out what she wants out of life. It was so weird how well I could relate to each one of these girls as I was watching this final episode. I'm having the same challenges in my life right now. I graduate in less than a year and I have to make decisions. I have to decide if Ohio is really where I want to stay. I'll be honest, as of right now, I definitely want to leave. I want to see the rest of the world. I'm young and if I have the opportunity, I should take it. I'm sure the girls of "The Hills" didn't worry about what their parents thought of them moving to LA and having their lives taped. Thats my problem, I worry too much about what everyone thinks and how they'e going to react rather than just staying true to how I feel and what I want. It's time for me to move on from what I have known and explore something new. Somewhere new.
So Lauren had left the show about a year ago and Kristin, "the bitch", stepped in. So now Kristin was living the life that Lauren once did.. the parties, the drama, the romances and the break ups. Well, the series has now come to an end. The final show was about how everyone was starting to go their separate ways in life. Lo was in a serious relationship and her boyfriend wanted her to move in with him. Stephanie finally found a good guy who really could relate to her and things were looking up there. Audrina moved out of Hollywood and into a house right on the beach just a short drive away. Heidi hasnt been around for a while and there is talk of her and Spencer divorcing. And well, Kristin is trying to figure out what she wants out of life. It was so weird how well I could relate to each one of these girls as I was watching this final episode. I'm having the same challenges in my life right now. I graduate in less than a year and I have to make decisions. I have to decide if Ohio is really where I want to stay. I'll be honest, as of right now, I definitely want to leave. I want to see the rest of the world. I'm young and if I have the opportunity, I should take it. I'm sure the girls of "The Hills" didn't worry about what their parents thought of them moving to LA and having their lives taped. Thats my problem, I worry too much about what everyone thinks and how they'e going to react rather than just staying true to how I feel and what I want. It's time for me to move on from what I have known and explore something new. Somewhere new.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Oh Life.
wow, its been a while since i posted. A lot has happened. But what mainly has been going on is that Brian deployed on Monday. We're used to the long distance thing, heck we built our entire relationship through long distance. But we got two weeks to finally be a "normal" couple and go to do "normal" couple things. It was great. But goodbye had to come and it sure was tough. I am hoping these next seven months go by fast. We're used to being able to talk whenever through texting or a phone call, but the other side of the world doesn't allow that capability.We'll get used to it just in time for him to come home. haha.
It sucks, I've had so much going through my head with all of this and now have no idea what to write...well, type. Honestly, I'm just so exhausted. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights due to worrying/thinking about Brian. I know, silly. But I really care for this man. He is really such a good genuine guy doing great things in his life.
On the plus side, I am LOVING my MACbook. It's nice to have a computer that works and doesn't take 10 minute and 3 tries to start!
It sucks, I've had so much going through my head with all of this and now have no idea what to write...well, type. Honestly, I'm just so exhausted. I haven't gotten much sleep the past two nights due to worrying/thinking about Brian. I know, silly. But I really care for this man. He is really such a good genuine guy doing great things in his life.
On the plus side, I am LOVING my MACbook. It's nice to have a computer that works and doesn't take 10 minute and 3 tries to start!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)